Down in the ready room, Colonel McCain freshens his cup of coffee with about a gallon and a half of vodka. Then he sits down to play cards with the other actors who have speaking parts and helpfully exposits for the third time that the blonde chick at the other end of the octagonal table is, in fact, Starbuck. You know, in case the pointy nipples and relentless pre-air hype didn't make it clear that Dirk Benedict has recently spent some time at a secluded medical facility in Switzerland. The other players at the table include Boomer (now an Asian woman), her co-pilot Sergeant Sacrificial Stan, and Captain Wants To Be Vin Diesel But Looks More Like Mortimer Kerosene. Mortimer is never to be seen again, so we can dispense with caring about him altogether. Boomer, on the other hand, has turned out to be something of a hottie. Woo hoo! I'm just glad they didn't make her keep Herb Jefferson's original seventies hairstyle, which is apparently what they've decided to do with Starbuck. In any event, the lesson to be learned from this scene is that Starbuck and Colonel McCain don't like each other. He mocks her for getting thrown in the brig, and she teases him about his absent spouse. Then she wins the pot (and yes, both the coins and the cards are octagonal), and jumps up to gloat and do an incredibly annoying little dance. Sigh. I'm with you all the way on girling up Boomer, guys, but I'd almost rather have the robot dog back than this incarnation of Starbuck. Colonel McCain lunges out of his seat to slug her (and really, who can blame him?), but it's Starbuck who scores the only real punch in this fight. The rest of the crew pulls them apart (although Starbuck does execute that cheesy "I'm fine" followed by a re-rush move that only ever happens on TV), and Colonel McCain gleefully orders her to report to the brig. Starbuck, who's been chewing on both a lollipop and a cigar throughout this entire scene (because she's manly! But still girly! And has an oral fixation!), reluctantly complies.
Cut to Adama's quarters, where he convinces Colonel McCain not to press charges against Starbuck. Interesting things we can learn from this scene include the fact that Adama knows his XO is a drunk, shoes in the future will all use octagonal Velcro fasteners, and Starbuck's real name is "Kara Thrace." Also, Edward James Olmos in brown underwear is a scary, scary sight.
Caprica City. Or, as I like to call it, Coruscant Lite. In what is indisputably the lamest subplot in the entire mini-series, Mary McDonnell meets with her doctor and gets diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. In other words, the writers have an out if the pilot gets picked up and she doesn't want to commit to a series. The other blatantly stupid thing about this scene is that an overzealous location scout has gotten a little carried away while searching for "futuristic" office space, and has elected to locate this particular doctor's office in a room where the largest wall is comprised entirely of windows. Hmm. I'm not really sure that's the sort of place most women would want to go for their annual mammogram. I mean, I enjoy a good public "turn your head and cough" just as much as the next guy, but this is taking things a little too far, I think. "I'm afraid the tests are positive," explains Doctor Voyeur. "The mass is malignant. It's advanced well past…" Well past what? Her nipples? Her sternum? My suspension of disbelief? We'll never know, because the sound a low-flying Exposition Airlines jet drowns out the rest of his dialogue. Heh. I guess people who work in glass offices shouldn't throw plot points.