Battlestar Galactica
Battlestar Galactica, Part I

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 10 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Disco Inferno

In any event, Number Six is having a distinctly human moment here, because all she really wants is for Baltar to say that he loves her. He, on the other hand, just wants the robo-sex. He wins, and she promptly throws him down onto the bed, climbs on board, and engages in as much simulated sexual thrusting as the basic cable censors will allow. She reaches up to pull off her poorly-fitted pleather bra, and the camera swings around behind her because nerds can't handle the sight of actual boobies without giggling and saying "boobies" over and over again. Heh. "Boobies." And then we get the big moment that you just know Ron Moore used in every single pitch meeting when discussing this project: the famous pulsing red Cylon light flashes up and down Number Six's spine just as she reaches orgasm. Classy! Somewhere out there, Lorne Greene is spinning in his grave.

The Second Law of Science Fiction: Robo-sex! (See: Blade Runner, Cherry 2000, AI, Westworld.)

Galactica. One of the new and not-at-all improved Vipers comes in for a landing. If Corvettes, lava lamps, and movie trilogies have taught us anything, it's that not everything from the seventies needs to be updated. These new Vipers are all pointy and done with really bad CGI, so it's probably for the best that they mostly get relegated to scrap metal before the end of the mini-series. The landing is accompanied by a six-hour, extended-length montage of various operations on the flight deck that wouldn't even make the cut on a Peter Jackson DVD. At long last the Viper's pilot is revealed to be Lee "Apollo" Adama, and he's rapidly greeted by Master Chief Brownnose. Because it's totally not obvious from appearances, the Master Chief has to verbally exposit that Apollo is supposed to be Edward James Olmos's son (one can only assume that his mother was the whitest woman in Liverpool) before sidling over to do a little cross-generational butt-kissing. Apollo, however, obviously has daddy issues, and Master Chief Brownnose actually gets a little pissy that Apollo isn't showing Lord Adama the proper respect.

Apollo eventually moves off, and the Master Chief turns to greet another new arrival. So I guess he's really more of a cruise director than a mechanic. That's probably just a shout-out to the whole "Love Boat In Space" vibe the original always seemed to have. Or maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way. Anyway, the new arrival is Boomer, and she's bitching that one of the "gimbals" on her ship is bad. In the future, "gimbal" is totally code for "nookie." You can tell because Cruise Director Brownnose claims that he's "pulled that gimbal three times and stripped it twice" (I just bet he has), and also because Boomer complains that he never listens to her needs. They take this argument into a nearby storage closet, and sure enough, they start making out. Oh, yeah. Boomer is hot. I'm also officially disposing of the "Master Chief Brownnose" nickname, and he'll henceforth be known as Master Chief Lovewrench. But only because I don't want to get sued for calling him Chief Knock-A-Booma.

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Battlestar Galactica

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