Back to the extremely awkward conversation in the hangar, where Helo's -- ouch -- apologizing to Tyrol for the whole toaster baby issue, and what it implies about what was going on down on Cylon-Occupied Caprica. All about how he "never intended it" and how it "just kind of evolved." Rule #1 for having this conversation, if you must: do not ever cede prior possession. For one thing, it's sexist, and for another, it puts you in a weak position. The fact is, Helo assumed he and Boomer were both going to die down on Caprica, and had an excellent reason for doing so. Not to mention Boomer's being all over Helo's gravy for a while before he finally gave in, which implies that she was making her own choice, for which neither Helo nor Tyrol is responsible, since she's a grown woman (basically). (We'll leave out the part where she was basically harvesting Helo's seed for her Imperious Blonde Masters, because she later came to love him.) But whatever, Tyrol gets all up in Helo's personal space and Helo acknowledges that Sharon loves/loved the Chief. Tyrol tells us all about how they were going to muster out at the end of their service and get married and have kids, which, not for nothing, but between now and when you made that lovely plan in what was surely a sunlit Andrew Wyeth field full of wheat and the smell of roses, HUMANITY WAS DESTROYED. So I'm thinking it's not merely Karl Agathon's admittedly television-transcending pheromones that disrupted that particular romantic plan. Of course, now that Tyrol's on this train, he's not getting off: "I guess I'm just a big frackin' idiot, though, huh? Probably that goddamn toaster's plan all along --" Helo begs Tyrol to quit with the bigotry, but Tyrol really likes this idea -- that somehow he'd been duped -- which he happens upon, like, every third episode, because it means that the love wasn't real and he's not to blame for covering up for her robot misdeeds all through Season 1. After all, she had him in her clutches. This is not my favorite flavor of Chief, but I get it.
Tyrol: "I should probably be grateful to you...that freak in her belly could have been mine." Helo has had a bit more than enough, and he pushes Tyrol onto the Raptor's wing, which he inelegantly slide-rolls off down onto the floor. Bad move, Helo. You've gotta let Tyrol think he won this one or else it'll never stop. Just let him take it out on you. Helo apologizes again, for forcing Tyrol to take that pratfall, and Tyrol jumps him. They fight for a while, and the whole time, Helo's trying to chill him out, which of course isn't going to work, and he's stupid for going in there in the first place, but there's no way he could know that Tyrol had been stroking the equipment all day, getting his jealous and heartbroken dander up. Tyrol piledrives Helo, and closed captioning notes that he calls him a "toasterlover," and then, having pinned him, Tyrol picks up a wrench and I cross my fingers that Marissa Cooper will come in and shoot him, but he gets it together and immediately slips into the Fifth Stage of Toaster Mourning: Drawing Meaningless Lines In The Sand. "I don't even know why I'm mad at you," Tyrol relents. "My Sharon's dead. That thing in the brig, that isn't Sharon." Um, it totally is, but complete the thought, dude. This kind of compartmentalization is why Laura Roslin's constantly pitching people out of airlocks. You don't want to go out like that.