Three holds everybody's ass hostage until the Dylan Four swing by the Basestar and hang out with her. Everybody is surprised by this terrorism, I guess because they forgot how she is, due to her being in storage for the last year. Laura sends Bill back to the Fleet with Three to pick up the Four, but sexily whispers in his ear about how he should blow up the Basestar and kill her and everybody else if it looks like Three is winning. Earth = Humans ONLY.

Back in the Fleet, Three stares meaningfully at the Four before she even gets off the Raptor, because of course they are there standing directly in front of her so she can do this, instead of being on another ship entirely like they should be. She says whoever they are, they need to come with her, and Tory takes about one hot second before coming with her, because Tory is such a toaster she's chock full of strudel now, so back on the Baseship she tries to be happy about hanging with her robot brethren and sistren, and then hands Laura a tiny bottle of pills and a giant steaming mug of attitude, because... I am finally able to admit that possibly, just maybe, Tory Foster is losing it..

Then Three and President Leland have a big ol' pissing match for a long while. Gaeta is legless, but on the other hand I think he's fucking Hoshi, so that's fun. Dualla is still sadly pointless. Tigh decides that all President Leland has to do is stick him in an airlock, and Three will roll over. (Three will never. Roll. Over, people. God. On the other hand, how cute is Leoben's new haircut?) Of course, this plan makes no sense unless he first comes out of the chrome closet with re-Admiraltied Bill, who subsequently and completely loses his shit. Completely. It's seriously fucking brutal. Like, at one point he's so drunk and depressed that he drools on Lee a little bit. (A lot.) So everybody spends the rest of the episode feeding him mashed bananas and babytalking him like Helo, while he wanders around in a bathrobe like R. Crumb's brother.

But also, this does not cause Three to roll over, because Three will never roll over, so President Leland gets Tigh to tell him about Sam and Galen. They, too, go into the airlock. Then Three executes one of her hostages --because she is still not kidding, you guys -- and President Leland decides to take Sam and Galen back out of the airlock -- it's like a party game, but with war crimes!-- and kill just Tigh, for breaking his Dad's brain open and the drool that came out. Except the Four have been hearing the music again, and this time it leads them to Kara's Shiny Undead Viper, which is now picking up some kind of signal from Earth.

Kara gives Lee a speech about God and how there's magic, so he's convinced. Gaius gives Three a speech about God and shit, so she instantly chills. Laura massages Bill's shoulder for five seconds, so he pulls it together. President Leland gives a speech about how everybody should stop being assholes all the time, so they do. And that's literally the only thing he actually does as President. But re-Presidented Laura reminds him how she totally has cancer, so don't go anywhere. He's like, "That is awesome of you to say that." I was so excited by the idea that Lee would stay Prez and Laura and Bill could maybe take like a short nap or something, but no.

So Kara saves the day with the new headings, and suddenly there's not anything left for the Colonials and the Cylons to fight about (beyond the obvious) because nobody actually needs the Final Five for anything now. Except to look at them and think about how hot they are, I guess. Then -- Boom Boom Boom -- everybody reaches Earth.

EARTH. They celebrate, hoot and holler, and get all religious. But once they're actually on the ground, the only pretty thing is the way it's filmed. Because Earth? Is a shithole. Specifically, an irradiated bombed-out climate-fucked shithole that is quite possibly worse than the Twelve Colonies they left behind. Deal with that.

It looks like The Day After Tomorrow, all ruins and stuff buried in sand and under the snow, the Brooklyn Bridge all broken and yucky. Everybody stands around looking totally sad and grossed out: the Fightin' Agathons, Gaius and Laura and Bill, Sam and Kara and Lee, Tigh and his hottie girlfriend robot, everybody. This part is absolutely breathtaking, and heartbreaking, and hard. There's a neat callback to the beginning of the episode, having to do with Lee and Kara walking the halls of Earth buildings together, and then it's a little rough because this is a show about 9/11 so where else on Earth could they have landed but it's still rough, and Roslin says Earth the way she used to say Baltar, and that's the end. So either Earth got bombed by robots too, or we just did it to ourselves, or maybe Al Gore was right. That's really... inconvenient.

So ♥ and I guess I'll see you next year for the back half of the season, in which I think: the Final Final will be revealed but nobody will care, everybody's magic baby will do magic baby stuff, Caprica and Saul will cope with parenthood, Laura and possibly everybody will bite it, Kara more than likely will come up with a whole new Special Destiny for herself, Boomer will get her act together once and for all, Tory will start wearing antebellum dominatrix gear and eventually blow herself up on the moon, President Leland will do a second thing in his second term and it will involve a speech, Gaeta and Hoshi will move to Post-Apocalyptic California and have a big gay wedding like on TV, Gaius will get to be happy or die, Galen will get to be happy or die, Sam will get to be happy or die, and Bill will finally get laid. Then die.

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