Sometimes humor can show you a thing. This is a fight, a squabble, a jaunty little folie à deux between these two brilliant fuckers, that's been playing out since Season Two. The stakes have always been this high, and that's scary and sad, but the irony quotient -- the gutbusting stupidity of it all -- has always been exactly this high as well. They toss each other into cells and offer each other small comforts and try to get each other killed and try to boss each other around and now they're trying to be in charge of God. And the thing, Laura, about getting into a battle of wills with a toddler? Is that you lose, a priori, the second I write the period at the end of the sentence.
"I mean, obviously you've done this a thousand times before..." he bitches, and she coughs, exasperated. "Well, I'm just doing the same thing you're doing," every bit as petulantly. What in the fuck is holy about crawling around in the dirt with a mean little kid like Gaius? Where did you go? "No, you're not actually, no you're not, because if you'll watch what I'm doing, what I'm doing is I'm actually focusing on her, all right?" This works for one second before he starts shrieking again. "Now tell us what happened in the Opera House now, all right?!" Laura shakes her head, having gotten exactly half the point: "Oh, the only thing you're doing is yelling." ...such a format will close the doors... I couldn't have said it better myself. We got some obstinate tin soldiers up in this piece, and all she wants them to do is stop being assholes for like five seconds so she can reveal the secrets of the universe, but no. They cannot do it. It's like getting weird and speeding up in front of somebody, so you can reach the stoplight faster. We're all going to the same freaking place.
"'Close the door'... No, no, open the door. Open the door. I want to open the door!" Gaius makes fun of her, muttering, but Laura is now yelling at the Hybrid like some kind of slot machine. It's funny but it's gross. Maybe it's funny because it's gross. "Do it again, do it again, do it again!" Gaius, knowing that he can't very well face off against Laura Roslin in terms of taking over the room with pure gravitas, gives in, in the most Gaius Baltar way you can imagine: by taking his toys and leaving. "I'm going for a walk. Love to see you do any better." Laura shakes her head: Oh, you will. "All right, I'll do it. Open the door!" she screams. It's not the Hybrid that needs to do that. All she is, is an open door.