BHARGO DEVASAYA DHIMAHI
"Still," Gaius says, grinning, climbing higher and higher. "Do you know why I'm so serene right now?" Laura, indulging and funny: "You're doped out of your mind?" No, of course not. He's a crazy cult leader! It's gotta be because... Yep. "Because I know God. You need God, Laura. Really, you'd be a different woman." Word. "I know God, therefore I know myself. Truth is I was harboring the most awful, desperate guilt."
"A heavy, dark... Unimaginable, soul-breaking guilt." Their hands over his wound, holding him together. The fragile bodies of us all. He looks at her face. "Now it's gone. Now it's gone, it's been transformed. Into... I have been transformed."
She's angry at him for doing this; nothing moves. There is no movement. Her tone is questioning, light, as she asks. "What was your guilt about?"
Gaius smiles. "I have no guilt."
"What was your guilt about?" Begging him to say it, begging him not to say it. Begging it not to be true. Because if she finds herself, as the body politic, standing over that, if she finds out that his innocence, far from simply dubious, is covered in more blood than she could ever contemplate, if she is standing above the man to blame not only for New Caprica but for the Exodus, if these things are true, then another part of the world falls down. Maybe an integral part. Maybe the essential part.
Gaius Baltar sat up there in Colonial One and didn't save her people. Twenty-four hours a day, the only thing we know for sure is that he didn't save them. It's the one thing he did constantly for more than a year. He shoved her in a box, just to prove he could; he signed away her life, and took the child, and walked away from 8,000 dead. How do we measure loss? 8,000 names, scrawled across her heart. And how many people in the Colonies, if he tells her this? How many millions, children and students and lovers and friends? Seven million in Caprica City alone. He is a Hub. And now he's on his back, bleeding out, and he's not begging. He's high as a kite and he thinks she's pretty, and he needs to confess.
"I gave the access codes to the Cylons. They wiped out most of humanity."
Her eyes roll back; she nearly faints. Her eyes go glossy. This isn't his trial. It never was.
"Of course, I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time, exactly, but that's what I did. And when I realized what I had done, the magnitude..."