Battlestar Galactica
Battlestar Galactica

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3820 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
All Aboard The Battlestar Handbasket!

0902 and the ships out on CAP and running between ships in the Fleet have started getting nervous at Galactica's sudden silence. Lee's Raptor shuttle finally lands, and before he can even ask what's gone wrong with comms, Connor's dudes take him down and hold him up, punching him. "Whatever this is about, you're making a big mistake," Lee starts, and Connor gets weird and ugly and messy, conflating outrages all across the last four years into one big monster that gives him the authority to make everybody else hurt as much as he does: "Oh, sure, we're confused. Maybe we should have a trial, sort it all out. After four years of fighting with those Cylon things, did you really think you could make a deal with them?" Except before it was Lee, it was Gaius, and before it was Gaius it was something else, and before that it was the Cylons, and before that everything was perfect, right? Absolutely perfect, until other people gave you the right to start killing, when your son died. Once there was a Them, it started shifting to whoever was in front of him. I have no sympathy for grieving when it results in shit like this. This is how Billy got killed.

Racetrack finally starts looking perturbed as a Marine holds a gun to Lee's head and Connor, enjoying himself, spits, "So where are your precious Cylons now?" Then the Marine drops with a single shot, and standing behind him is Kara. "Take it from someone who died once, it's no fun. Let him go." Skulls tells her to frak off, and she shoots him too, without a second's delay. How long has it been, since the world made this much sense? "I could do this all day. Who's next?" She takes out a second gun. "Racetrack? Connor?" Please, yes. Connor lets Lee scamper over to her, and Lee immediately tries to get Kara to leave with him, but she's enjoying herself too much. "Kara, now." She follows him, grinning: "Follow me. Please." Skulls rolls around on the floor groaning, and even Connor rolls his eyes, because this is bad. You want to not let Kara and Lee, of all people, go running willy-nilly through the guts of the ship. If you can possibly help it.

Athena and Helo are of course in their quarters with Hera, because that's all they do now, and like everybody else, not enjoying the algae-derived slop they have to eat -- Because do you get it yet? Let them eat algae-derived cake! -- when they hear the jackboots in the corridors and realize that it's entirely possible the thing they always kind of thought would happen is happening. A bunch of mutineers, this time including Gage of the Sunshine Boys, come smashing into the room and pistol-whip Helo for awhile, then kidnap all three of them. Helo apologizes to him for accidentally killing the guy who raped his wife, like that was tacky of him to do, and Gage continues to bitch about how not only was that totally uncool, but then also Helo got a promotion to CAG instead of being killed. Life is unfair for everybody, but often I find that rapists are the least lucky of us all. Helo grunts, "Frak you!" and the hopes of a thousand pathetic sheltered clueless creepy slash-shippers rise into the air that they're finally going to see some boy-on-boy noncon, because isn't that so feminist, but are then dashed as Gage underlines his preference for raping Helo's wife, and the girls have to go back to getting their kicks pretending the brothers -- or the actors! -- on another show are secretly fucking. The mutineers bash Helo's head in, but it is a blessed relief.

Battlestar Galactica

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