Battlestar Galactica
The Passage

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: B+
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In the pilots' bunks, everybody we know is piling their food stashes on the table. Kat calls down from a bunk that she doesn't have anything, and Starbuck gives her the stink-eye: "Um, to share," she corrects her, and Kat begs her to get off her back. Oh, in this episode all the pilots look like they've been to see that movie The Holiday: hollow eyes, nauseous green, a pronounced palsy. It's not so bad right now but it's going to get way worse once the radiation starts in on them. Starbuck yells that she saw a protein bar on Kat's cot, which Kat swears she gave to Cottle. "... Right. Right after I gave him head," says Starbuck. I swear that's what she says. (Team Espenson!) Kat gets bitchy about stop calling her a liar, and Apollo tells them both to shut up, and orders everybody to eat. They do, and it sounds like an orgy. I think Kat calls Hotdog "Baby," so I guess she noticed he got hot. Racetrack moans and gulps and eats, while Starbuck continues to stare at Kat with some radiation of her own.

Sharon's alarms are going off and her rad marker is getting blacker by the second. She looks terrified. Say what you will about my girl Sharon, but she doesn't fucking blink. It's gotta be pretty bad for this to even register. I know she'll be fine because she's still totally going all Admiral Cain on some bitches about her baby, but it still makes me very nervous.

Credits. 41,420 souls in the Fleet and holding steady for now. In the basestar bedroom of bad ideas, Three wakes up. She moves Gaius's hand off her ass and gets up, and we pan back to see Caprica asleep on his chest. So cozy! So sweet! So very much his wet dream. "Somewhere to be, D'Anna?" Still hate that name. But I love how even half-asleep, Gaius still doesn't want his bitches stepping. She tells him not to wake up Caprica, and says she'd love to hang around all day with the ménage, but there are things she's gotta do. Which, not for nothing, but really? Couldn't you do that while staying in bed? Is that not the point of Cylons? He's right to be suspicious.

Dreamlike piano tinklings and French camera stylings amble us to later, where he asks Caprica what she thinks Three is up to. (Caprica's like an angel when she sleeps. Or when she hangs out inside your head, causing you to masturbate in public and occasionally beat the crap out of yourself.) She's clearly and adorably sleepy, all, "You're not the only one asking that." Things were a lot easier when they were just robots. I love how they're not quite feeling "privacy" as a concept yet. He really did just drop ass-naked into the giantest sorority sleepover of all time. "She's been doing things," says Caprica, and Gaius gets all weird about it: "Doing things? What things?" Right answers, wrong questions. The Eden thing with Cylons has been growing for a good long while, but the snakiness of Gaius gets overt at this point. Like, if it weren't for him and Hera (WHO? WHAT?), Three would still be the most Cylonic of the Cylons, but he had to go fuck everything up just by existing, and now there's free will and personalities and all this other shit they're not ready for. (But then, fucking things up by existing is like his whole deal, every day, in every situation. That, and not even noticing he's doing it. Maybe he's not even the snake, maybe he's just the apple. I think Chip Six is the snake and she's playing both sides. We'll see.)

Sharon's back on deck, and when you look at her Raptor all you hear is the theme song from Sanford & Son. It is crunk. Also fubar: my girl Athena, who stumbles out into the deckhands' waiting arms for immediate shoving into a decon chamber and checking for radiation. Helo and the Adamas are watching, quite worried. She's pronounced "radiation negative," and immediately begins the debrief, because she is awesome. "There's a way through the star cluster. And I found the planet on the other side. I skimmed it and I took photos. There's huge swaths of algae, just like we thought." Helo's just staring at her rad badge. "It's black," he says, getting choked up all over again, and Lee is just a tad whatever about it: "She's a Cylon. She can handle a radiation dose that big." (I guess there are kinds of radiation, like how there's different kinds of Kryptonite, because more than once on this show there has been radiation that was totally and specifically bad for Cylons.) Helo's like, "Excuse me, Little Miss Cylon Physiology Expert," and over Sharon's protests, Bill agrees with him. I don't think Lee was being a dick about it like the other time, I think he was just worried Helo was going to freak out and endanger the Fleet. Bill's mouth is pointing out that "fine" for Sharon could still be deadly for regular humans, but his eyes are saying, "You need a hug and a nap, Surrogate Daughter #1423." She looks like hell, did I mention? But of course Apollo doesn't have time for your robot cancer: "So then how do we get tens of thousands of humans through there?"

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Battlestar Galactica

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