Man, remember New Caprica? Kara Thrace was actually on this show, Saul Tigh was my boy-crush, and all the recaps were three pages long. Remember? Of course, that was before Jacob Two-Two Meets The Poetic Device, or even Yes, The Cylon Storyline Is Boring But If You Say That You're A Racist. Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that next week looks like a New Caprica-style, thank you ma'am kind of episode, which I love and so do you: How I Met Your Mother: Adama Edition plus But Is Cally Okay!? The Series equals an explanation on the hamfisted nature of Chief's plotline this season. Should be fun, and not insane, at least on the part of your recapper. The bad news is this: tonight's episode hummed balls, and I took it personally, and I'm going to explain in detail why that is. The "ball-humming" part, not the "took it personally" part. I'm fairly certain the difference will be obvious. Not that there's anything wrong with ball-humming per se, Felix, but in our culture who knows what's offensive? Am I right? Ah, women. Can't live with 'em, can't make PMS jokes due to it having not been 1992 for several years now. And now these robots, oy.
So previously, Helo tells us, some things happened. What he is doing is called "lying egregiously even outwith the priorly defined limits of lying about the previouslies," because these things happened previous not to the episode that we're watching so much as previous to even God and Leoben knowing this shit happened. And I do think it's easy, but in situations like this where it's just clunky and lame not to have it as the actual teaser, it seems like inviting bullshit for its own sake, considering the hyperliteral audience you're dealing with. So Helo was like, "We all made sacrifices, except me, because my Cylon wife was BFF with the old man the whole time you were down there getting your eye poked out," and Tigh was like "the fuck you say," and Sharon was like, "Hey shoot me in the gut because Cylons have crazy physiology," and Helo was like "Sure! Wait, I totally just shot my wife in the gut!" and everybody was like, "Lot less weird when she's a robot -- ask Tigh, or Cally!" Then Laura Roslin accused Helo (for real) and Gaius (fakewad) as if they were traitors, and they said no (lies) even though meanwhile Sharon and Caprica were stealing Hera back from the Basestar and sailing back to Galactica without so much as a "the fuck you are." Then Caprica went to the brig, of course, and then there was not-actually-previously bunkum about Gaius demanding due process, and we're going to get there. Just not anytime soon. Finally, "previously," Cally went "Honk honk honk," and Chief went, "Because!"