Beg, Barter, Steal

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 2 USERS: A+
Yo-Ho-Ho And A Bottle Of Dumb

Previously on Survivor: The rending of garments. The gnashing of teeth. Aspirin. Tequila. Despair. Jenna.

Shots of the local architecture get a little help from an on-screen caption in establishing that we are in Panama City, Panama. Oh, Weathered Treasure Map Font, how I've missed you since last we were together. Suddenly, we bolt over the skyline and out to sea, and we alight upon a picturesque ship that looks to have been just recently released from its bottle. And on the boat? Why, it's Jeff "Bore-gia Peach" Probst, who tells us that we are sailing along the coast of Panama. You know, just in case Weathered Treasure Map Font doesn't render properly on your TV. As we get our first glimpse of the castaways, Peachy exposits that, below deck, they are waiting around in the belief that they're a few days away from the beginning of the game, and that today is just a jaunt for publicity photos. Peachy claims that they're actually wearing the same clothes they were wearing on the plane to Panama City. You know, if Nicole wore that particular strapless hooter-hoisting dress on a plane, she really needs to rethink her travel wardrobe, because that is a really good way to lose your snack peanuts and never find them again. Peachy explains that, unbeknownst to them, the castaways will not get to take any of their stuff with them to camp, and will arrive with only the clothes they're wearing now.

Now it's time for the introduction of this season's location. We are heading for the Pearl Islands, which we are told have "a bloody history" involving pirates. Many pirate-related images follow, including a cannon, a skull and crossbones, and some gold coins. No bleeding, oddly. This is probably as good a place as any to warn you that this pirate motif is evidently going to extend through the season, so if you aren't up for the deluge of puns about plank-walking, parrot-wearing, and people named "[Blank]beard," you should scamper off now and enjoy a refreshing book. But probably not Treasure Island. At any rate, Peachy tells us that the island's jungles where the pirates used to hide are "rugged," and that the weather is "temperamental." You should listen to him, because if the environment were swanky and the climate refreshingly temperate? Peachy would surely tell you. "Frankly, this game really isn't going to be very hard," he would say with a rueful shake of his tousled head. As if the mercurial weather weren't enough, he also mentions that the ocean is filled with very deadly fishy things. One eel, in fact, looks right at the camera and opens its very menacing mouth like, "Do my gums look inflamed to you?" Oh, and because the pirate theme might leave some stone unturned as far as pure unadulterated cheese, there are also whales flailing about. As I'm sure you know, of all marine life, whales are the most fraught with meaning.

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