Big Brother

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M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
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Tangled Web

Out in the yard, Dan is the one to read the instructions, such as they are, while everyone stands around looking at the nonsensical items littering the yard. Apparently the yard contains clues to a phrase that may help in the game, and the one who guesses it first will win the luxury competition, which includes a trip outside the house. They have three hours to make three guesses. Dan says, "Go," which triggers some puzzled milling about the yard staring at the bizarre artifacts while Jessie in the gorilla suit silently mocks them. Fairly early on, Jerry rings the bell to make his first guess: "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil," on the basis of the giant ear and a bespectacled stuffed emu. I don't know what he's using as the "speak no evil" indicator, unless it's his own dire need to shut up. While he's inside making his guess, Jessie throws a tarp over the small crashed spaceship, indicating that's not one of the clues. After examining a stuffed wolf, Keesha guesses "Where sleeping dogs lie," which is not even a saying, plus that stuffed dog is more alert than I am after an hour of this show. After 26 minutes, Jerry watches the emu getting covered up and realizes his first guess was wrong. And then the ear gets covered as well. "Now I got it," Memphis says sarcastically. Some helpful editing leads my to my first guess: a giant blueberry, a cracking egg with the word "It" on it, and the tub of mud. Bury the hatchet? And then they have to dig it out of the tub? I don't know.

Jerry rings the bell to make his second guess, based on the giant diamond ring and the contortionist: "Diamonds are a girl's best friend." Has Jerry done The Artist's Way or something? Because I think maybe he's had a little too much success in silencing his internal editor. The gorilla then covers up a big yellow wedding cake and the statue of Julius Caesar, then cracks everyone up with a little dance on his way to covering the tub of mud. Keesha makes a guess, looking at the blueberry and the big cracking egg "It:" "Blue It." The significance of her guess does not escape her.

After a while longer, the contortionist gets up and leaves without ever having said a word, despite Dan's protests. Jerry makes his third guess: "A dog is a man's best friend." The other three talk about his cockiness, but as soon as Jerry's back, the hot dog gets covered. And so does the diamond ring, so Jerry figures he struck out. He regrets blowing his wad early.

Finally there's nothing left uncovered but the blueberry and the hatching "It." Keesha is inspired to make her final guess: "Don't count your chickens before your eggs are hatched." Which is also not exactly how the saying goes, but then my wife's even more tragic handicap where sayings are concerned prevents me from going after Keesha too much here. Memphis is still clueless. And eventually, Dan comes up with "Bury the hatchet" for his first guess. And Memphis, just so he's not the only one who didn't even guess, comes up with "fruitless exit," knowing full well that it's nonsensical and hopeless. And with that, the three hours are up. Jessie makes some more mocking gestures, and as he walks past Jerry to shake his hand, he blows his cover by... making a fart noise. He goes into the DR and gloats at the camera from behind the mask, and the houseguests reenter the house to find a gorilla glove hanging under Jessie's photo on the memory wall. Yeah, Jessie, you sure showed them a thing or two about a thing or two. Believe it or not, it's actually possible to successfully mock Big Brother players without getting all sweaty in a gorilla suit for three hours. Yes, it took me a couple of weeks to figure that out, but I'm never going back.

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Big Brother

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