Big Brother
Big Brother After Dark

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When You're Asleep, You're Lucky

2:33 AM: Dick is inside with Daniele, setting up beer pong. Dick wants to make Daniele some slop, because she's not eating. Nothing like a midnight snack of proteinized oatmeal. Thanks, Dad!

2:34 AM: Eric comes out to the hot tub and chats with everyone, referring to himself as "so checked out." He tells us he's "in a daze." Jessica is standing with arms crossed, which = he's in trouble. It turns out that Dick has come out to lie on a chair, and he breaks into the conversation to discuss the kind of slop that Dustin is eating. He can't believe Dustin eats straight slop. Meanwhile, inside, Daniele and Zach sit next to each other and do not speak. My brain, which is just about checked out itself, envisions them clanking their heads together to try to make music. It would sound like a xylophone.

2:43 AM: Fifteen minutes to go. I can barely hang on. Someone in a bathing suit is talking.

2:45 AM: Jen something something Kail something tell forgot something.

2:45 AM: Eric announces that a plain white t-shirt of his is missing. This will occupy them for days! It's a mystery!

2:46 AM: Eric says he's not trying to figure out the clues, because he doesn't think it's worth it to agonize over it now. Jessica seems distressed by this. Eric insists that some people's theories are reeeeally stupid, but he doesn't use Zach's name, which is nice.

2:49 AM: Unicorns! There are unicorns in the house! And I think I see the ghost of Merv Griffin! And are those the insides of my eyes?

2:50 AM: Inside, Zach bites his nails. And he's on TV. Spitting bits of his nails onto the floor. Wish I were kidding. He bites, and then he spits. At the floor. That is vile. I don't tend to bitch about the relaxation of personal habits on this show as much as some people do, but you do not spit stuff onto a communal floor. Any stuff. You don't. We watch Zach do this for long moments, which I think mean that the editing staff does not enjoy him or else totally adores him and wants you to watch the adorable way he bites his nails and SPITS IT ON THE FLOOR.

2:53 AM: Zach comes out of the house, and Jessica asks him if he's related to Amber. Jen extends the joke by saying, "Evel's my dad," and Dick adds, "I obviously have much better sperm than that." I think not, since Jen > Daniele.

2:55 AM: I am asleep with my eyes open.

2:56 AM: Eric yawns, and I fucking hate him.

2:57 AM: Zach likes the little person who visited earlier so much that he wishes he could get one. I'm not lying.

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Big Brother

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