Big Brother
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

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Love Is a Poorly Rendered Thing

Shack: The next match-up is Jason versus Josh, pitting the virgin against the...you know, I refuse to complete a sentence that creates the suggestion that Josh has shared intimacies with any other creature on this great green earth. The challenge: eating Twinkies. No, really. On Fear Factor, contestants eat aborted duck fetuses in order to win a tenth of this show's payoff. And if you think I'm exaggerating for comic effect, then consider yourself very,very lucky. But I guess the Philippine Aborted Duck Fetus Company (a subsidiary of Phillip Morris) didn't want to spring for the product placement. So it's Twinkies. Strangely, Josh regards the tray as if it's filled with aborted duck fetuses anyway. In the Diary Room, he says something about not liking to gorge himself on food, but I refuse to recap anything that Josh says when he doesn't have a shirt on. Put a shirt on, Josh. Put a shirt on, Josh! PUT. A shirt. ON! NOW!

Josh opens the bidding at five Twinkies in two minutes. Jason raises to six. Josh sneers seven. Jason raises to eight. Josh doesn't think that's possible and calls Jason's bid. Jason seems up to the challenge. The whistle blows, and Jason starts snorking down the sugar- and lard-filled "cakes" like an eight-year-old who has been triple-dog-dared. Josh is trying to trash-talk Jason by...uh...encouraging him to "shove 'em down your throat." You'd think that skeezeball would be better at trying to psych out opponents. On second thought, no. On third thought, of course not, what was I thinking. And Jason stuffing phallic symbols in his mouth while Josh coaches him to deep-throat creates the sort of mental image that causes me to go straight. And then blind. And then die. Eventually, Jason starts shoving them in two and three at a time, and reaches his goal in the allotted time. The blue team is up two to zero.

Next up is Danielle versus Eric. Gerry reveals the challenge food as jalapeño-stuffed olives. Danielle's team starts celebrating at the news. Danielle shouts "Bring it on!" about fifty times. In the Diary Room, Danielle explains that Eric hates olives, while she loves them. Everybody outside acts like they knew this, so you can only assume that the show's producers knew it as well, so feel free to go "hmmm" at your own convenience. Danielle's opening bid is ten olives. Eric raises to twelve. Danielle raises to fifteen. Eric calls her bid. Now according to the Big Book of Reality Show Clichés, what should happen is that Danielle fails the challenge miserably and embarrassingly. But no, Danielle easily scarfs down all fifteen olives with plenty of time left over. So the red team is finally on the board, but still trails blue, two to one.

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Big Brother

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