Big Brother
Bringing the A Game

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: A | Grade It Now!
Dan You to Hell

For the last round, Britney buzzes in quickly but doesn't actually know the word. Frank whispers to her "summer," at which point Ian has to tell him that he broke a rule, and is now eliminated from the competition. And with that lead and all those punishments racked up, too. That has to sting, especially for a man dressed in a carrot suit while smelling of green slime and chum with his next HoH reign more than two weeks in the future. Everyone else stands there confused except for Dan, who has the second-highest number of points after Frank, and a shit-eating grin to go with it. Oh, and not for nothing, but Shane has still scored zero points.

After the ads, Frank goes and sits down, leaving Britney trying to steal the win from Dan. But again, she buzzes in before she knows the right answer. Jenn guesses "ticket" after the drawing continues, and Ian offers her the chance to be on slop for the rest of the summer, in exchange for eleven points. She can take it and win, or leave it and let Dan win. And she wins it! Looks like she had something to offer Frank after all. And now Dan has to spend one of his days on the block locked away from everyone else, losing 24 precious hours of political maneuvering. He's screwed. Right? Even Dan can't get out of this one, can he?

Jenn goes to Frank to accept his congratulations and gratitude, and cement their alliance. And Dan goes into the store room to cry. He DRs that he loves three things: his wife and family, coaching, and playing Big Brother. One of those is really sad. After that he recovers, then enters the Have-Not Room to kick off his "solitary dance party." Which is basically 24 hours locked in there with cheesy music and disco lights playing. He's taking this better than I would. The dance party aspect, I mean. I'm pretty sure getting to have 24 hours away from the other morons in the house would be a major reward at this point.

Later, Britney comes out of the DR with the shackles, and soon she and Danielle are reenacting their own female, mono-racial version of The Defiant Ones, complete with Britney dragging the somewhat larger Danielle across the floor. Later, Frank is called out of the hot tub, the breakfast table, and even bed in the middle of the night for his chum bath every time the alarm goes off. Which Brendon also had to do two years ago, so that's another step up in Britney's 2014 shackling experience as compared with her 2010 one.

The next day, everyone bangs on the door of the Have-Not room to release Dan from his solitary dance party. He is (or at least acting) totally out of it, even borderline catatonic, but he eventually recovers and calls a house meeting. He makes an emotional speech for them, dressed all in black for what he calls his "Big Brother funeral." This turns out to be him basically eulogizing all of them, one by one, sounding totally sincere. Of course they eat it all up. Soon everyone is crying, not just Dan. Even Frank is offered a heartfelt apology later. But finally, when he gets to Danielle, he says he thought she was like him, but he was wrong to trust her. In front of everyone, he tells Danielle that she's dead to him, and she knows what she did and he doesn't want to talk about it. As Dan makes this his exit line, Danielle is sitting there now crying and shocked, completely gobsmacked. Danielle doesn't know what she did, but I do: she had the misfortune to be nominated opposite Dan. That is some cold, cold, evil shit, Dan. But it's a little obvious. Is that going to fool even these idiots?

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Big Brother




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