Bunky stumbles out of the Diary Room and sobs. He climbs into Nicole's lap and sobs. She reads the letter aloud to the group. People sob. I sob. From boredom.

Next, each of the housemates gets to compose a sixty-second video message to a loved one. Nicole makes a PB and J cake for her husband's birthday. Will, in his Disco Gear, starts and restarts his message to Shannon like, twenty-six times. It'sOnica says "hey" to about seventy people. Bunky doesn't cry! Hardly does. Will tells Shannon he's madly in love with her. At home, Jim kicks the television. Nicole sobs over the cake. Bunky makes the ASL sign for "I love you," confirming to me that Gregg is, in fact, deaf. Yay, gay deaf love! Hardly cries some more. Nicole promises Jeff she's going to win "this thing." Will grins. I take a nap.

Monday meeting. Nicole is irritated with Will's recent juvenile behavior. Her reaction basically amuses Will; he takes her tongue-lashing good-naturedly, and apologizes. Poor Will; he's the only person having any fun in this house, and no one appreciates it! Next, Hardly starts bitching about the peanut butter and jelly, again, and that it's making his life hell and he's just furious about the situation. "That's the pot calling the kettle black," Will says under his breath. Hardly ignores that and yammers that if he has to go through another week of PB and J, he'll make "someone's life hell." Everyone sort of glares at him. "Has anybody here made your life hell?" It'sOnica asks. Hey! That made sense! Go, It'sOnica! Hardly admits that no one has. "I'm not going to threaten anybody," Will says pointedly. Man, this little attempt to assert his power did not go over as Hardly had planned. It'sOnica is pissed! Nicole points out that Hardly himself is a big old sellout. What if they'd offered him fifteen grand, she wonders? And Hardly sort of smiles. "Exactly," Nicole says. Fucking Hardly.

God, finally, the HoH competition concludes. Big Brother has set up a big race course in the backyard, and both Hardly and Bunky have to maneuver their cars through a series of obstacles, each of which is nonsensically decorated with the name of a fallen roommate. Vroom, vroom, vroom. In a development shocking no one, and pleasing even fewer, Hardly wins. Again. Damn. I really think he might nominate Will, and then I will have no reason to live.