If you're reading this, you're probably already aware of this season's "twist:" single people will be paired off and expected to play as couples. This should be great, because one of the most interesting things about Big Brother is when both members of a couple are up for elimination so you know they're going to be separated soon no matter what. Good thing that source of potential drama has been properly dispensed with.
Julie Chen greets us from outside the remodeled "Winter Edition" house, talking about Valentine's Day and "'Til Death Do You Part" and already I want to vomit. And then the camera doesn't help by zooming around the place, which has been decorated to look like a ski lodge in Hell, as the narrator explains the premise. Which, again, if you're reading this, you already know about.
So let's meet these losers:
Alex, 24, a DJ company owner from Staten Island. That's a tough gig. Do you know how hard it is to manufacture DJs? Oh, he's got a bracelet for his father, who died on 9/11. Comedy killer.
Sheila, a former model from Reseda, California, and this season's token oldie at 45. That's even older than I am. She'll miss her son, who she says is her whole life. And yet she's leaving him for potentially months. We've seen that before, so let's move on.
Natalie, 28, a "bikini barista" from Salem, Oregon. Do you think that's an actual gig, or she just decided to show up one day at her Starbucks job half-naked? "I love bikinis, coffee, and God!" In that order, presumably.
Jacob, a 23-year-old electrician from Dallas, Georgia, looks like another God-botherer. Let's see how long the show can resist making an allegedly sexy pun on his occupation.
Chelsia, 21, a college student from Cedar Falls, Iowa. There's a cornfed Midwesterner somewhere under the fake tan, boobs, and name. You dig first.
Parker, 26, a paparazzo from Northridge, California who's working the Crab Man look. The innate lack of shame required for success in his day job may prove to be an advantage in this game.
Squeaky-voiced Amanda, 23, is a paralegal from Fridley, Minnesota. Yes, it's possible she may have gone to the same high school as I did, but since she was born the year I started there, I'm not responsible.
Jen (is there ever not a Jen?), 26, an aggressively tan/blonde go-go bartender of some sort from Columbus, Ohio.
James is 21, and is originally from Sarasota, Florida. I say "originally" because he is currently homeless and cycling around the world. Presumably he hit an unexpected obstacle in the form of the Pacific Ocean and is using some time in the Big Brother house to wait for low tide.