And now, the Second Greatest Love The World Has Ever Known. Eric and Lisa play chess outside. "So, you think I'm cute?" Lisa chirps. Oh, my God, where did she get the Betty Boop voice? That's horrifying. Anyway, Eric says, "You're all right." "You're not too bad yourself," she chirps even more chirpily than she chirped a minute ago. I guess if I'm learning the Art of Boys from the women on this show, I'm going to have to add "sucking helium" to "abandoning banter" on my to-do list. Eric diary-rooms that he wasn't expecting to hook up with anybody, but hey! Here he is. Hooked up. Go figure. Hilarious quasi-porn music wocka-wockas on the soundtrack as they play in the kitchen, cuddle in the pool, and exchange...Meaningful Conversation! They smooch, and then we go to the more serious section of the score that comes from the portion of the porn movie where someone dies in a tragic pool-cleaning accident. Eric and Lisa are snuggled up in bed in night-vision green-and-white. There are a few kind words exchanged, and then the soundtrack switches to the song Chris Isaak's cousin recorded in his garage six months after "Wicked Game." I really can't bear to describe the entire bed scene, because it is so...well, boring and non-sexy. Essentially, she asks whether she's turning him on by lying there in bed with him, and he says yes, and she apologizes if she accidentally grabs anything of his under the covers. I'm sorry to say that I have just captured, relatively accurately, the level of sophistication and romance. Oh, and she mentions that she can have orgasms from having her navel touched. Somewhere, folks, I swear there's a bottom of the barrel. You'll hear a scraping sound when we finally reach it. We are not, apparently, there yet.

Thank God that's over.

Oh, wait, it's not over. Now we have to hear that Eric has a girlfriend at home that Lisa should know about. But he doesn't apparently like the girlfriend that much, what with the sleeping with somebody else on national television and everything. Well, goodness, that's nice. He tells Lisa about it, and she's totally cool with it. 'Cause why wouldn't she be? Whee! I can't tell you how liberating it is to hate everyone.