Big Brother
Dethroning Amy

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Gone For Gouda

Saturday. Previously on Big Brother 3: The malodorous Josh was spared eviction when Tonya was bounced out on her...well, that one's just a little too easy. Roddy became HoH after guessing the weight of eleven people to within twenty-five pounds. You know, there are carnivals where you can make money doing that. In fact, if you can muster an adequate "huzzah," I think you can do it at the Renaissance Festival and meet your fill of chicks who think crossbows are groovy.

Black-and-white (actually blue-and-white, as was recently pointed out to me) footage of Tonya's eviction blares away on Big Brother Rehash-o-Vision (patent pending). Again with the rip-Orff music, complete with Mournful Chimes of Banished Hooters, Gone, Gone Forever! Chiara boo-hoos in the diary room about how deep and meaningful was her love for Tonya. Of course, I also consider myself very close to all the women I have ever allowed to smear me with peanut butter in an intimate manner, so I understand just how she feels. Josh tells us that he's shocked that he's still in the house. I'm sort of shocked also. You know how sometimes there's a bug in your bathroom sink, and even though you feel guilty, you turn on the water to make it disappear down the drain, but it just circles and circles and circles and appears to be trying to engineer an escape worthy of a 1950s prison-break drama? That bug isn't nearly as reluctant to leave as Josh. Or as likely to spread disease. Amy, meanwhile, is "tickled pink" at the eviction of Tonya. She didn't hug her, didn't say goodbye, and as usual, doesn't give a rip about anyone except herself, so it's all good with her! Yee-ha! Whatever, Tupelo Barbie. I'll look forward to your departure. When poetic justice finds you, may it have many stanzas and a complex meter. And onomatopoeia. Bzzzt!

The blue-and-white houseguests return to the living room after escorting Tonya out the door, and then we finally escape our blue period for a while, although the slam to color is not associated with any particular important event, as has sometimes happened in the past. Josh continues pacing. Kiki, in bed, sobs the pathetic honks of the broken-hearted fugitive from justice.

Josh is currently considering lifting his tail and spraying Lisa, because his laser-sharp math skills (he mastered "five" this week, just in time!) have led him to the unavoidable conclusion that she voted to evict him. He says that he never trusted her anyway, as we get a hilariously distorted shot of Lisa, eating something, in a grotesque overhead close-up that evokes that subtle convenience-store-security-video ambience. He knows that he's still in grave danger (is there any other kind?), what with the fact that everyone in the house hates him more than athlete's foot and everything. He and Amy retreat to the Aquarium Room for a powwow, and if you want to know how I concluded that she is exactly the obnoxious, pointless twit she appeared to be in the first episode, despite her flashes of funny, her buddying-up with Josh did the trick quite nicely. He thanks her for her "support." Josh then goes out into the living room and works Jason over for a while, talking again about the having of backs and the loyalty and all that. Josh also tells Jason how much it meant to him -- just speaking from a purely vermin-to-virgin, Judeo-Christian viewpoint -- to have Jason's vote, or non-vote, or whatever. Oh, good. Now Jason is a twit, too. Not to mention the fact that they are still doing that dorked-out Big Brother Shake thing. Let me know when they build the treehouse with the "KEEP OUT" sign and start hoarding G.I. Joes.

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