Big Brother

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M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
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Dirty Baker's Dozen

Damn, it seems like just a couple of months ago I put this clusterfuck to bed. But here we are again already, and a rose-colored cocktail dress-clad Julie wastes no time, greeting us with the news flash that this is the first time in seven seasons that nobody in the house knows each other. Really? That long? Isn't that kind of ridiculous? Oh, what am I asking?

The narrator explains the premise while we "enjoy" a few shots of the newly redecorated Big Brother house. Once Julie's back, she reiterates that there are no exes, family members, or secret couples. She doesn't go as far as to say there are no unfair advantages, and I'm interested to see that there are some claims even this show won't make. Julie tells us that the competition will begin even before the houseguests enter the house, which she'll explain later. Ooh, hope she doesn't forget.

Time to meet the houseguests. 75-year-old ex-Marine Jerry says, "ThisBig Brother fan is not your typical grandpa." I think he's got those nouns switched around, but whatever. He calls himself "the oldest man ever on reality TV." We also meet office blonde April, who claims she knows how to handle men. There's Dan, a young teacher from Dearborn, Michigan, and Libra, "a mother like no other." Unless that means she's never going to play the mom card in the house, I'm not buying it. Renny happens to find her key lying in the middle of a French Quarter street in New Orleans, as you do. Apparently she just walks around with a brass quartet following her everywhere. There's also preacher's son Ollie, who gets his key while he's sitting in a pew. And gay rodeo champ Steven promises to "hang on until the end." No, of course they aren't being fed these lines.

Brian apparently plays basketball for the Air Force. I bet they're great at basketball. And hey, here's bartender Memphis. That's his name, not his hometown (which is Hollywood, naturally). Recent divorcee Angie calls herself "the Asian Sensation," so poetry is clearly not her strong suit. Keesha is a Hooters waitress, and the only surprising thing is that it took the show this long to find one. Jessie (a guy) is a bodybuilder, and Michelle revels in her own obnoxiousness. Is that thirteen? I think I'm going to have to change my lucky number. After we meet them all, they all have only an hour to get packed and put some sound bites on tape that make sure we'll hate them extra-much. Like falling off a log, for most of them.

With that, Julie brings us back to the front yard, where the latest cast is assembled and waiting to go in. Julie tells them that the game is beginning now: in a BB first, they have to choose the Head of Household before even entering the house. Julie instructs them all to take positions around a large, crescent-shaped table in the yard and vote based on nothing but their first impressions. They all vote almost instantly. Not that they'll find out the winner until later.

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Big Brother

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