Big Brother

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M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
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Dirty Baker's Dozen

Julie's not back there, of course. What is back there is two pairs of cars: two VW bugs suspended upside down from tracks (not waiting to crush the biggest asshole, alas), and a couple of 60s-era muscle cars to one side. The teams are divided into red and white, and they learn that they're competing for one of those "classic cars." Whatever, Big Brother, we know you're too cheap to spring for a new ride. Jessie regrets sitting out, which is one thing, but Memphis calls Jessie's move "one of the most boneheaded moves in Big Brother history." Was that the earliest instance of hyperbole in Big Brother history? Because I'd hate for history to happen and I miss it. The competition will require the teams to climb up en masse into each inverted car and pull it along a track to pick up and drop off gas cans on each end of the track, and they have to also drop a houseguest off -- and out of the competition -- with each pass. Oh, and it's also a food competition, with the loser on slop for a week (not including Jessie, in the biggest bonehead move-turned-brilliant strategy in Big Brother history. Just trying to get into the spirit of things here).

As the competition starts and the people start boosting each other in, negotiation over who needs the car has already begun. Libra's willing to drop out, but Steven claims that his truck broke down the day he left. The red team is the first to ditch a player, and it's Renny, because she is useless. Libra keeps her word and drops out first for white. Red maintains its lead, dropping Michelle. Keesha drops out of white, and then the red team ditches Angie. Dan drops out for red, and Jerry nearly throws the pin in his hip jumping out of the white car. With red down to Steven and Memphis, they start to rock-paper-scissors, allowing white to cut into their lead until Steven cedes it to Memphis so the team can avoid slop. And just like that, Memphis has won himself a car. So that's the white team on slop. April claims to be worried about the diet, specifically its possible effect on her teammate Jerry's safety. Like he never ate anything worse when he was in the Marines. Memphis picks the Camaro for himself. Enjoy driving it to sequester in a couple of weeks, Bartender.

Once everyone's back in the living room after the commercials, Julie reveals the HoH results: Renny came in second with three votes, which I think makes this the closest she'll ever come to the post. But Jerry had four votes, so he's the first HoH., which means he'll need to nominate two people for eviction in 24 hours. Julie signs off with the houseguests for the night. Over already? No? Oh, crap.

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Big Brother

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