Big Brother
Don’t Let The Back Door Hit You

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First Guy To Throw Stuff Goes Home
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What I love about Big Brother is that even on the days when I stare at my walls wondering whether my life has meaning, it is there to make me feel like my existence is a carnival of entertainment, fulfillment, and people with whom I am happy to share my personal supply of precious oxygen. To everyone I meet on a typical day who is not someone from inside the Big Brother house, I just want to say: hats off to you. Way to not be on the bottom of the food chain of humanity. Allow me to clap for you quite sincerely.

Sunday

You may recall that when we last allowed ourselves to bathe in the glorious light of This Show, Nakomis had just been evicted, and James had become Head of Household. Half the house was eating "slop," also known as "protein-boosted oatmeal," and half the viewers were bored.

We relive the eviction of Nakomis in blue and white. Diane tells us that she is going to "fight and win this game for [Nakomis]," who is now her "best friend." Yes, during those two weeks, including the one in which they were maneuvering behind each other's backs to avoid being tossed out, they became closer than they are to anyone else. I'd hate to be the person back home who's known Diane for, like, twenty years and just lost her spot. Unfortunately, the attempt to create a tense, serious moment out of Nakomis's trek to the door is slightly undermined by the fact that Chicken George is dressed entirely in tin foil and resembles an old-school Salisbury Steak TV dinner. Wearing an orange hat that makes him look like Bob the Builder's deadbeat cousin, Mike tells us in the DR that on the one hand, he liked Nakomis and it's too bad she left, but on the other hand, Diane stayed -- "and she's hot." It's like he delivers the bad touch right through the screen. And...wow, I had almost forgotten how many superfluous exchanges of "cool beans" there were as she was leaving. Nothing like when the half-assed expression of regret meets the half-assed attempt to be hip.

We snap to color. Jase is relaxing on the sofa and trying to look diabolical as everyone else pretends to mourn Nakomis. Will makes an unimpressive effort to "stir the pot" (as he himself says) (that is the first Needs To Die phrase of the season) by prattling on that he can't believe the rest of them voted Nakomis out. I'm not sure what this is supposed to accomplish. If the choice had been, like, Diane versus the Pope, I might understand what he's going for, but this? I'm not sure Nakomis makes a convincing Little Match Girl, or that he's going to convince anyone to feel guilty. Jase sidles up to his karma and kicks it in the back of the knees, saying in the DR that since Nakomis isn't on the jury, he figures that it doesn't matter whether he pretends to be sorry she left. Erika misunderstands the blank look that accompanies Jase everywhere he goes, and she comes over to inquire about whether he's all right. Apparently, she was thinking that maybe he was all broken up about the eviction. Nakomis's picture goes to black and white, and all the color drains out of her hair. Diane tells us in the DR that "hell froze over" and she was able to stay. And of course, she's "ready to play." She'll keep fighting! She'll never qui-- qui-- qui--...oh, sorry. The record was skipping. My copy of Reality-Show Contestant Vows Of Perseverance is really scratched up.

Will now reminds us that there were two votes against Diane, and that one was his vote. We are shown his vote, and he delights in announcing that he's voting to evict Diane. He's not sure who cast the other vote, but we, of course, know that it was Janelle. Speaking of Janelle, she is currently complaining outside on the patio that she now has no one to smoke with. See, Nakomis? Janelle really cared about you. As a person and as an ashtray. Janelle tells us that the rest of her alliance voted with "the herd," but she kept her word to Nakomis. Which, of course, is fairly easy to do when you know that it's not going to make any difference. She's not defying the herd, really, so much as hiding behind it. Will speculates, correctly as it turns out, that it was an S6 person who provided the other vote against Diane, and he wonders whether this minor difference means their alliance is starting to break apart a little. It occurs to me that he would be the happiest spectator at an ugly divorce. He would eat popcorn, I think.

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Big Brother

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