Previously on Big Brother: Mike Boogie won the All-Stars season. We're still taking hot showers to wash it all away. During the opening voice-over ("Fifty-one cameras! Seventy-four microphones! Zero marketable job skills!"), we get out first look at the revamped BB8 house. It's been given a fairly-tale makeover, if you can believe it. There are weird leprechaun doors, a topiary garden, a giant teacup (!), and some of the walls are this mossy green color, like it's the Seven Dwarves' woodland cottage. It's like they wanted to class up the joint by making it all look like A Midsummer Night's Dream. Of course, that was full of jackasses and barely-clothed women too.
In case you haven't heard already, voice-over guy illuminates one of this season's ballyhooed twists: three pairs of houseguests are "enemies," and they don't know the other is going to be in the house. So it's like BB4 "X-Factor," but it doesn't affect nearly as many of the houseguests. We have an estranged father and daughter who haven't spoken in two years (this would be Dick and Danielle); a pair of ex-boyfriends (Dustin and Joe), the latter of whom turned all their mutual friends against the former, so he's definitely on the right show; and then Carol and Jessica, former BFFs from Kansas and a pair so objectionable, even the voice-over guy ("...these two") is disgusted. I can't wait to find out why I hate them!
An alarmingly bobble-headed Julie Chen greets us by the door of the gingerbread house and welcomes us to Season 8. Like anyone afflicted with the post-traumatic stress of watching this show (...every year since Season 2), it's good to see Julie because she's a familiar face who's yet to wear peanut butter as clothing or masturbate in a garden shed. I am concerned about the increasing Tina-Turnerfication of her hair; we'll keep an eye on it. She reiterates the enemies twist and promises that it'll be cool, unlike most of the twists this show has produced, "But first" (WOO!), let's meet the houseguests. As in seasons past, we're presented video packages of the houseguests surprised reactions as they received their keys to the BB house. So that's what the cameras were there for! Jessica is a cheerleader. That's all she's giving us, really. Nick is captioned as a "pro" football player, and the quote marks will remain until I find out what, if any, pro team he's ever played on. He also enjoys fishing, obnoxiously large shoulder tattoos, and not wearing a shirt. Eric seems "fun-loving" in a way that means "loud." Danielle wears a pink bikini and is from California. Her dad calls himself "Evil" Dick and looks like a kind of sad, middle-aged rock club owner whose resemblance to Tommy Lee is probably no accident. Jen is a sexy nanny who likes to show her ass. Mike is a house painter with giant arms and vertical hair. Kail is both the token older lady (hobbling around with her walker at age thirty-seven) and the token small-town lady. Joe is a beanpole gay stereotype. Carol says that she's a "senator's daughter," by which she means "state senator's daughter." Amber is a single mom from Las Vegas, which just makes me think of Season 2's Krista, which is not good. Zach poses with a chess board, so I guess he's our token "smart" guy. Dustin sells shoes for a living and I've already decided that I like him, which means I'm already setting myself up for disappointment and it's barely ten minutes into the season. Jameka, the only person of color in an otherwise lily-white cast, warns us not to get on her bad side. Yes, ma'am!