Sunday
It's like you cut off the Alison head and a million Danielle heads grow back. It grosses me out when newbies start in with the alliance paranoia the first night, but these are All-Stars, supposedly; everybody bullshits around thinking their "alliances" are going to mean anything two weeks from now. Janelle "accidentally" tells Danielle that Diane was one of the dissenting voters in my beloved Alison's 8-2 split. HoH Kaysar and Howie talk about nominating Will and Mike, but then decide not to, because I guess they are idiots. James tries to play both sides against the middle, because that's his whole life, but he does tell the group that Jase is totally on the anti-S6 side of the fence. Howie brings up the idea of nominating that one non-S6 ("Chilltown," again) and one S6 alliance (now, hilariously, the "Nakomis" alliance) person, basically to freak out both alliances, and I think to smoke out Jase. I like how the whole show revolves around Jase, who I used to hate so much, but now I think he's being brilliant. He's got them scared and not in the imaginary Danielle way, and I can't suss out how he did it. Kaysar talks one million square miles of bullshit that he must deal "the concussion blow" with his stupid nominations and he's going to "send the world a message" by dating Erika, which is only about as real and not-fake as Howie's love affair with Will. Which is, basically, over, since Will's about three seconds from getting really creeped out by it, and willing to get abusive. Even heartless, as pointless James calls bullshit on Will's anti-Howie behavior. Will thinks about granting Jase a "Chilltown card" but doesn't really trust him, blah blah. Mike sucks so bad, again, some more, even bitching about coattail riders, which earns him a swift kick in the ass from the God of Irony. The stupid food competition involves a "barnyard," a trough of slop, and digging "rats" out of the slop with your teeth. Nakomis mistakes her bandanna for the rat, earning both Marcellas's undying hatred and her team (basically, her, Marcellas and S6) the remains of the slop for their meals. Gross. Not only are we upping the ante on he PB&J, but also there are tarantulas instead of fish in the aquarium/terrarium. So meaningful. Will "injures" Erika post-comp with his idiotic yet sexy behavior, but Kaysar "saves" her, and it's soooo romaaaaantic. Danielle acts like a crazy-ass some more, but not in such a way that George's offer to be Howie's Jedi apprentice still isn't the saddest fucking thing you ever saw. In the end, Diane and Nakomis are nominated for being floaters, despite the fact of whatever.
Tuesday
Being on the block makes Diane cry, and it makes Nakomis dye her hair bright orange. Janelle and James are agitated because they dislike Kaysar's nominations -- Janelle, for one, would totally nominate Will and Boogie if she ever had a chance to be HoH. Wait, there's something wrong with that. I'm thinking. Anyway, in the veto competition, giant golf clubs spell victory for Erika, who hems and haws for a while, but who ultimately winds up not using the veto. The veto is so pointless, you guys, seriously. In other news, the houseguests name their pet tarantulas, Janelle throws a few insults at people who work with their hands, and Howie shows his goodies to the world. Don't forget Mike's birthday, or Erika's birthday thigh. Oh, yes. Seriously. Did we mention Diane crying all over herself? Because there's quite a bit of that.
Thursday
Nakomis and Diane are on the block, and people seem very conflicted about what to do, largely because between the two nominees they find it hard to care who stays or goes. Chicken George shows up at the live show wearing a tin-foil costume, complete with real tin-foil hat, which really has nothing to do with anything, except that it was completely strange and therefore noteworthy. We learn that Mike is attracted to Diane (ick), and we learn yet again that Kaysar is a Muslim, which the show oddly feels compelled to talk about constantly in spite of clearly not knowing exactly how to talk about it without seeming completely stupid. In the end, Nakomis is evicted 8-2, but she seems sure it was just because she was so good. Who called that girl unable to fit in? The HoH competition amounts to little more than drawing names out of a hat, due to the stupidity and obscurity of the questions, and James gets lucky, meaning that for yet another week, we get to watch the same people who came in with the same inherent advantage lord it over everyone else. Snore.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Warning: I've been traveling so much that I'm about as punchy as a ten-year-old at an eight-year-old brother convention, but let's take a deep breath and see just where we are, folks.
Sunday
What I like about Big Brother is that contestants have a tendency to talk about themselves in the third person. They are Bob Dole. They are Rickey Henderson. It gives them a much-needed sense of gravitas, because nobody has gravitas like Bob Dole and Rickey Henderson, which is why America long ago solved its longstanding problems with erectile dysfunction and stealing second base. And that's what I like about Big Brother.
Alison is evicted in blue and white, and Janelle smugly chuckles that now she's "really safe" because the only person who wanted her out is gone. Way to read a room, Giggles McTwit. Rather horrifyingly, Danielle joins those who are revisiting the shtick of yore when she says, "One week down, and eleven more to go." Wow. I didn't even like the countdown the first time. Now, it's lame and old. And it's not Brian Dennehy old, you know? It's like Hume Cronyn old. Well, Hume Cronyn before he died. But just barely. Everyone watches Alison's picture turn black and white. Dramatic! They might as well set your picture on fire, like on Hell's Kitchen.
Marcellas hugs the rescued Danielle in the Living Room Of Insincerity with all the passive-aggressive hate he can muster. He DRs that the BB6 goofballs promised him that they'd go after Danielle if he voted with them to boot Alison. That explains the hate-hugging. Then Janelle, who of course nominated Danielle, comes into the bedroom to congratulate her on staying. I would administer at least seventeen punches in the face per week if I lived in this house. Janelle further smugs in the DR that "everything seems to be working out perfectly." She seriously is a perfect size six, is wearing a gold lavalier her parents gave her, and is not named Elizabeth. Danielle asks Janelle who the two people voting for her were, and Janelle says that it was Diane and someone else. Danielle tells us that her strategy this week is going to be kissing Janelle's ass. Well, sucking up to Janelle never happens, so that will be a change of pace.
For her part, Diane DRs that it was pretty obvious she and Nakomis were the votes against Danielle. Not to Danielle, I guess. Nakomis does the post-mortem as well, DR-ing she found out too late that everybody else was switching and didn't get to vote with the majority, which left her in a bad position.
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