So we've been here together for two and a half months, you and I. How was it for you?
Look, I found this entire episode incredibly depressing. Really uncomfortable to watch, really discouraging, really riddled with horrible sexist bullshit, and really much worse than dumb reality shows usually are. When I get really bummed out, I promise to tell you a joke to lighten the mood.
We fade in tonight on Julie Chen, who is wearing an incredibly bizarre pink satin top that kind of looks like her chest has been folded -- or will soon be folded -- into an origami duck. She reminds us that tonight, either Mike or Erika is going to win $500,000 and "be crowned the ultimate Big Brother All-Star." Listen to that again, and you will feel much better about the outcome. What does it mean, really, to be the "ultimate Big Brother All-Star"? Isn't it like being "the ultimate bad boyfriend" or "the ultimate unhygienic roommate" or "the ultimate psychotic boss"? Think of it as not so much "the best Big Brother All-Star" as "the archetypal Big Brother All-Star." The one who best embodies what it means to be a Big Brother All-Star. Really, the winner of the Miss Big Brother All-Stars Pageant.
"The live finale begins now," Julie says, and the crowd starts to cheer, and then Julie starts high-fiving people in the audience. Think about the moment when someone said, "And then, you should high-five some people in the crowd." Because someone did. That's someone's job, to make that call. And dammit, they did their job, because there is Julie, and she's high-fiving the crowd.
A long, long recap of the season follows. Fortunately, if you want long, long recaps, you can read the 250 pages or so that have already been written.
When we come back to Julie, she is still being cheered by the weirdly overstimulated crowd, and she's standing in front of the plasma screen. She takes us inside the house, where Erika and Mike are sitting in the two nominee chairs. He is wearing a cocked gray fedora and a carefully casual-looking tie. "I am cool," his look announces. "Finally, after all this time, I am cool, and you can't say I'm not, and if I die right now, at least this outfit will be in my obituary." Julie says that the jury will be here to cast their votes, and then we will get our "winner."
But first! We visit the jury house to watch the night that they were all sitting around waiting for the last juror to arrive. The first six members of the jury walk into the backyard of the jury house and arrange themselves in a circle of chairs. Marcellas starts the discussion by saying that he hopes it isn't Janelle who arrives. Of course, Janelle earned Marcellas's undying gratitude by giving him a shout-out when she evicted Will. Marcellas is the cheapest of cheap dates. If I said right now that he was awesome, he'd even forgive me. Danielle warns him that she thinks it will, in fact, be Janelle. Chicken George says that, in his opinion, it's going to be Mike. Marcellas thinks that the women can get rid of Mike if they "have a brain," to which James gives a contemptuous snort. Howie says that "Operation Double Date was not a success," and he thinks Mike is the one they're going to see. "Or," Will says, "Janelle walks in, and the success is still questionable." I don't know, Will. It's pretty brave to take the opposing view when Howie and George agree.