Farewell messages. Adam says Shelly was a great player, but played herself out of the house. As opposed to Adam, who made the final five by doing nothing. Porsche says she doesn't know how the house will stay clean with Shelly gone. Kalia gives a heartfelt speech which she's probably rethinking right about now. Rachel says Shelly's ring isn't worth half a million dollars (which Rachel knows because she's engaged) and mocks Shelly for being evicted. Jordan talks about how Shelly opened her eyes, which is why she got so mad. "I never disrespect my elders," she adds, and concludes, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I bet she gets shamed on a lot. Shelly has no regrets, because she was lucky enough to play the game at all (which wasn't what she was saying last week), and looks forward to seeing her family again, even though they're going to tell her she was an idiot. Julie reminds her she'll be back for the September 14th finale. I'm looking forward to that day too. But the day after that even more.
Time for the HoH competition. Everyone's in the backyard, with outgoing HoH Porsche sitting this out and Adam, Jordan, Rachel and Kalia standing around wearing colored t-shirts tucked into dorky high shorts for some reason. The competition is basically a race back and forth through a messy obstacle course to retrieve one donut at a time and stack them on a pole. Whoever has the most at the end of 13 minutes wins it, so I don't think we'll be learning the winner during this broadcast. Rachel takes an early lead, for what it's worth, with Adam in second, Jordan in third, and Kalia last, but we're only half a minute in with one donut each. Julie signs off with them when they have twelve minutes left, so stay tuned. Or not. It won't make much difference.
When we come back, they're still at it with nine minutes left, and looking pretty sticky. Julie tells us there'll be a return of Pandora's Box and a "celebrity twist" on Sunday, a "special eviction" on Wednesday (they're all special, Julie), and the beginning of the final HoH battle on Thursday, setting the stage for the climax of every season: the final-two clip show. Can't wait for it all. And then we get to watch the already exhausted players slogging through the goop some more. I don't think they're all going to last 13 minutes, to be honest.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.