Saturday. Such a wonderful day. All day to do whatever I want. Soon, the college football season will start, and "whatever I want" will consist mostly of lolling on my sofa and eating Cheetos and yelling at the television. Until 9 PM, of course, when my cruel mistress, Big Brother, once again makes an appearance. Then I loll on the sofa and eat Cheetos and throw things at the television. Anyhoo, just to refresh your memory, last week, Mike was voted out of the house, and America rejoiced. But Krusta bawled. And she still bawls. She bawls and bawls and bawls. Bunky kindly attempts to comfort her, but looks horrified when Krusta admits that she might have been falling in love with Mike. "Girl!" Bunky cries.
Krusta's still crying about Mike. "Dude, Boogie gives me butterflies," she tells Will. "How do you think I feel about Boogie?" Will asks. Is Will admitting that he feels the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name for Mike? Maybe he and Krusta can wrestle for Boogie's affections. And Will can crush her empty little skull. Whoops, did I just say that? Laken, sweetie, forget you read that.
Will leans back in the Big Blue Chair of My Evil Boyfriend and says he's lonely without Shannon and Mike. "It's like The Last of the Mohicans. Substitute 'Chill Town' for 'Mohicans.'" Aww, poor baby. Here, have a cattle prod. That's right, go out and play with your cattle prod! Krusta's right around the corner! Good boy!
More endless yammering that Krusta and Will miss Mike. I hate Mike.
Mike's brainchild -- 2Hype, the boy band -- makes what I pray is its final appearance, in a video the housemates find uproarious, but that makes my eyes bleed. Can I not escape Mike, ever? Please, Mike, go away!
No such luck. After the 2Hype video, Big Brother broadcasts something nauseatingly dubbed "Mike's Farewell to [Krusta]." And despite the flowery name and the I've Heard More Romantic Piano Music On The Second Floor Of Nordstrom, Where That Guy Plays The Piano, And I Buy Shoes, Mike's farewell consists of such heartfelt sentiments as "the game didn't really matter" and "hey." "Find the happiness in life that you deserve, because you are a great girl and you deserve the best," Mike concludes as Krusta sobs. She says that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to her. That's pretty sad, considering said sentiment is identical, word for word, to the salutatorian's closing statement at my high school graduation.
The folks on the forums are so gifted at coming up with cruel nicknames for the houseguests, and I'm appropriating another one: Hardy is now Hardly (tm Highwaygirl). I think that's apt, don't you? Anyhoo, Hardly sniffs that Mike's farewell to Krusta "literally blew everyone away." If only that were true. If only a big gust of wind swept through the Big Brother house and tossed each of these foolios to the four corners of the earth. Four abandoned, desolate corners. With no food, or water. Inhabited with man-eating coyotes, and scavenger birds ready to pick their bodies clean. Wow, the loathing is just slipping out all over the place tonight. I'm sorry. Wait, no I'm not: I hope their bones are picked clean in the middle of the desert! I hope the vultures get them, with no ill -- wait, I already made that joke this season. Shit. I should have saved that one.