Big Brother
Mike Sucks For The Last Time

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Mike Sucks For The Last Time

Will climbs into bed. "Dude this is the third night in twenty-eight days that I haven't slept with a 6'10" chick with a g-string on!" he laughs. I laugh, too. I'm sorry. I know he's the devil and all, but Will's totally been bringing the funny lately. I can't resist the funny. Will and Mike compare Big Brother to prison, but agree that there's more sex in prison. ["I really took that as a hint that Mike wanted to have some 'prison sex' with Will. Because Mike wants to have ten thousand of Will's babies." -- Wing Chun]

Kent says that people are really missing their families, and as if on cue (the magic of editing!), Nicole cries that she misses her husband. She'd give up "food for the rest of the week" to hear from him. This is so leading up to the America's Choice Phone Call From Home Luxury Extravaganza. Please let Will get a call from his tortoise. Please let Will get a call from his tortoise. Actually, that reminds me: you know how Will's mother was saying that Will's love of animals proves that he's not evil, and whatnot? I've been reading Helter Skelter, Vincent Bugliosi's book about Charles Manson, and Charles Manson really, really loved animals. More than people. So, I don't know how strong an argument that is for Will's humanity. Not that Will's anywhere near as bad as Charles Manson. You know what I mean. ["You know who else loves animals? Bill Maher. To me, he's just as evil as Will and Charles Manson combined." -- Wing Chun]

Oh, right. America's Choice. Whatever. The housemates all play to the camera in hopes of getting to talk to their loved ones, even though it's really too late to affect the voting. Their begging is interspersed with more talk about how hot Hardy is. I never thought I'd be saying this, but enough with the Hardy is Hot rigmarole, already. I get it. He's good-looking. America wants to lick him. Whatever! I hate Tuesdays. Nothing. Ever. Happens. Anyway, at this point, Bunky and Nicole have a very amusing conversation, comparing Hardy to a zucchini. Allow me to paraphrase: say you get stranded on a desert island, and the only thing to eat is zucchini. And you don't like zucchini. And even if you did, you "can't eat the zucchini." So you don't eat the zucchini. But the longer you're on the island, the better the zucchini looks. And soon, you're dying to eat the zucchini. And "every once in a while, the zucchini touches you!" Bunky and Nicole riff hilariously about the allure of the zucchini. "Zucchini is better than nothing," Bunky says. Poor Hardy. Reduced to a green, phallic-shaped vegetable.

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Big Brother

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