Big Brother

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M. Giant: A+ | Grade It Now!
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A Perfect Record

Wearing an otherwise nice black dress from whose belly, for some reason, is erupting the grille of a '59 Plymouth, Julie credits the Brigade with orchestrating "every eviction of the summer," but now it's "every man for himself." And with Britney gone, that's not even inaccurate.

So now we're down to Enzo, Lane, and Hayden, and they're all sitting in the living room now, so I guess the first part of the swing-hanging, wall-bashing HoH competition we left them in the middle of last night is over. But who won? Who cares? Could they just tell us?

Okay, we're getting a replay of last night's beginning anyway. All three of them are motivated to win HoH -- Hayden because "the Brigade is dead," and Enzo and Lane because neither of them trusts anyone else to bring them to the final two. Which are solid reasons. More solid than those walls they keep getting slammed into, even.

Flashback to Britney's eviction, and Lane is sad enough about it that she's been promoted to a "family member," rather than a good dog. Enzo is thrilled about the triumph of the Brigade, because Enzo is thrilled about every triumph of the Brigade, whether it's actually a triumph or just something that happened.

Back to the competition, which is now eight minutes in, and Enzo claims to be having fun, at least at first. He promises Lane and Hayden, "I'm taking one of youse to the final two." Don't get too far out on that limb there. Then the waterfall starts, not only making them cold and uncomfortable but also making the ropes slippery and numbing their legs and their testicles numb. Finally -- if one can use the word "finally" in this context -- Enzo falls off when he hits the wall, after only 19 minutes and 14 seconds. The streak stays unbroken!

Now it's down to Lane and Hayden, neither of whom trusts the other, which means this is going to be straight-up endurance without a lot of bargaining. Which is how I like it. There's nothing worse than watching someone jump off one of these things voluntarily when there's only two people left. Meanwhile, Enzo is inside, taking advantage of the empty house to cook up a storm in the kitchen.

Hayden and Lane are still in it an hour later when Enzo comes outside to enjoy his hot meal so they can watch from their miserable, cold, wet swings. "If I could move my lower half right now, I would crawl to you and slap you," Lane threatens in the DR.

It's still going on two hours later, and after two hours and 35 minutes, Lane finally slips off and falls. That's a part-one win for Hayden, but he's even happier to be able to get off the rope. And it's cause for worry for both Lane and Enzo.

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Big Brother

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