Big Brother
OMG BBMVP WTF

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B- | 4 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Rule of Three

It begins.

Julie Chen can hardly believe she's coming to you from inside the Big Brother house! I can hardly believe how normal she looks, in a kicky hot-pink party dress. She promises a summer "packed with surprises, both inside the house and out." As well as, she leaves unsaid, those both planned by the producers and not. With that, she steps out of the house and into the studio, which has been completely overhauled into the brightly-lit stage of the game show it's always been. "Welcome to the biggest Big Brother ever!" she calls to the audience that is now at a safe distance. Julie also promises that I'll have the chance to play along this season and have a major impact on the game. Will I really? Okay, I assume she means you, too.

So let's begin the annual ritual of houseguests unconvincingly "discovering" their keys while going about their ordinary, everyday lives in front of CBS camera crews. The first group includes Aaryn in San Marcos, Texas, who "finds" her key inside a cowboy hat like a small, cheap, cardboard sword of Gryffindor. This year's cute young blonde drives around on an ATV and says that her Psychology major at Texas State will give her an edge and allow her to tell when people are lying. Pro tip: in this house, it's generally when people's lips move.

Nick from New York compares himself to an unthreatening Peter Parker who can kick ass when needed, like Spider-Man. He promises to be the hardest working player ever, which is kind of a high bar after Dan. Helen pretends to check her kid's homework in what the subtitles say are Falls Church, Virginia (which is where she finds her key, causing her to jump up and down and forget all about the stupid homework), and even less convincingly pretends to be doing political work in Chicago. Which I'm sure is her actual job, I just don't believe that she's actually doing it at the time the cameras are rolling. She says that Big Brother is no different from any other political campaign. Which I'm sure is true, especially the part where people often vote in ways that make no sense.

Spencer is a ginger bear of a man from Conway, Arkansas, who works as a conductor in a trainyard and despite his "country bumpkin" affect denies even owning a pair of overalls, and promises to do whatever it takes to win. Someone always does.

David is a lifeguard from San Diego, California, and it's hard to tell what's goofier: his face, his blond One Direction hairdon't, or his monologue about how obsessed he is with his body. He apparently spends all his time on the beach, which is of course where he finds his key. Then there's Elissa, who is apparently practicing yoga near the lake in Concord, North Carolina when her sister abruptly screams at her that she's going to Big Brother. Yes, I say that like you should know who her sister is, and that's because you should: it's effing Rachel from BB12 and the winner of BB13. Elissa looks like a slightly more attractive version of her sister, but is going to have a high bar to be as annoying. She seems to be up for it, though. Elissa tells us she's going to keep her relationship with Rachel a secret, for which I don't blame her. "I don't want to be a target," she explains. Oh, right, that too.

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Big Brother

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