Big Brother
Season 14, Episode 1

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C | 5 USERS: A+
Take Me Out, Coach

Montage of packing and leaving and I already wish they were saying goodbye to us instead of their families. And then, back in the studio, the houseguests are cut loose to assemble outside the front door, where as usual they're not allowed to speak through Julie's standard speech of welcome-slash-warning. The first gang of four to step inside are Wil, Ashley, Jodi, and Frank. Now there's whooping and screaming to go along with the loud d├ęcor. If I had a bowl of slop here with me it would be an all-out assault on every one of my senses. Wil quickly spots Frank as a possible member of some kind of hair-alliance.

Next to head inside are Ian, Shane, Jenn, and Danielle. "Honey, I'm home!" Ian calls as he enters. This is Danielle's first encounter with a person who looks like Jenn, it turns out. Finally, Willie, Joe, Kara, and Jojo get to go inside. Is anyone worried about the confusion of having a Joe, a JoJo, a Wil, and a Willie in the house? JoJo quickly gets on my nerves by Diary Rooming about how she always gets her way, when clearly what happened is that nice Midwestern guy Joe just yielded a bed to her out of Midwestern niceness. Ashley, meanwhile, wants to make JoJo and Kara her little-doll toys. That's actually better than some strategies I've heard on this show.

The champagne pops, and after conforming that Ian's old enough to drink, they sit around for self-intros. Wil explains how he makes flash mobs and viral videos, which makes me like him less, and Joe bellows in the DR that "WIL COULD BE ONE OF THE PRETTIEST CHICKS IN THE HOUSE." Willie doesn't mention his relationship to Russell while talking about himself, but Ian's onto him anyway, somehow. "The resemblance is too strong," he says. Joe sells his chef skills right from the gate. Danielle the nurse claims to be a kindergarten teacher, because she doesn't want them to know she's working on three degrees, and plus also that worked out so well for Nary and Jamie on The Amazing Race last season. Jodi tells everyone about her five stepkids, Ashley gives a self-intro so short that nobody thinks she's done, and then Ian cops to being a chemical engineering student. "So if the hot tub breaks, I'm the one to fix it." Ashley totally digs him, because she likes the nerdy guys. Or maybe she just figures he can synthesize opioids for her out of cleaning supplies.

Frank says he's unemployed, which Jodi doesn't believe for a second. I totally believe Frank; he looks pretty unemployable to me. JoJo tells them she's a bartender, to go with their chef. Jenn introduces herself and says she's "super-excited to be there." Kara talks about being a model, and Ian's totally smitten with her. A triangle already. As for Shane, he soon gains Danielle's attention, what with him being a hot carpenter and her assuming he's "good with his hands." Toast, and a DR'ed threat from Willie, and a tease from Julie about the four returning coaches, and the soon-to-be-departing houseguest, and at last, the ads. At long, long last.

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Big Brother




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