Gerry snots that Lori and Jason won't make it long enough to collect the $30,000. Gerry, I wanted to like you, but you are dancing all over my last nerve. And you need to get control of your beard.

Day Two in the house. Rise, shine, put on makeup, bond with housemates. Lori and Chiara discuss the origins of the mysterious wet spot in their bed. No, no -- on the pillow. (It's not that mysterious.) The options are sweat and drool. Eeeeew! Now, did I really need to hear that? There's a reason I don't get the damn live feeds. Tonya and her incredibly white teeth, however, have had an uncomfortable night on the army cot. Josh was so uncomfortable that he slept on the floor. Frankly, I'm surprised that he didn't sleep hanging upside-down from the rod in the closet.

Danielle makes breakfast for everyone, which everyone appreciates. Man, Danielle is like Nicole without the footnotes to the DSM-IV. Gerry says it already feels like a family. Yeah, on the second day. I'm sure Gerry's actual family is very flattered.

Back to Julie. EEEEK! Somebody get Julie a sandwich right now. Sally Struthers needs to make one of those weepy commercials where she asks you how you can sit there eating your lasagna like the middle-class schmuck you are when Julie Chen's ribs are not only sticking through her skin, but actually making advances on Canada. Anyway, Julie looks particularly emaciated in her jeans and her stretchy rust-colored top. It's time, she tells us, for the HoH competition. Whoever wins is the Head of Household, and that person will sleep in the HoH room and make the first nominations. We cut to the house, and she has her usual boring banter with the group. The actual competition is a variation on the same very boring competition that kicked off last year's show. The bottom line is that the contestants all have to answer stupid questions about each other, and through a lame process involving a spinning wheel and other complex mechanisms, this slowly narrows down the houseguests to a single winner. The questions are boring, nothing interesting happens, and Lisa is named HoH. Seriously, you didn't miss a thing. It comes down to her and Lori, and the vote goes 8-2 in Lisa's favor, with only Roddy and Jason choosing Lori. Dumbest competition ever.