Because this show is all about responsibility, the very first thing the houseguests get from Big Brother is a giant tub of liquor. I mean, I suppose that's what I would want too, but this from a show that just got sued over its contestants and their quasi-violent sex play? Josh: "Well, the reason I got everybody together in the living room and I took over the leadership role, is because I am the leader." Man, don't get me started on how much I despise the grammatical construction, "the reason is because...." That makes my teeth rattle. He goes on to put on his Mike-Mike-Mike Boogie Shoes and very efficiently annoy the hell out of everyone in the room. He tells them he's a long-term substitute teacher. Everyone gives this a grudging nod of obligatory respect, but they still hate him. No -- everyone hates him. The other contestants hate him. The audience hates him. The brine shrimp rotting at the bottom of the Great Salt Lake have already heard about him, and they are circulating a petition to have him evicted. They are signing it with their teeny little tails. Like most imbeciles of his particular type, Josh makes reference to "keepin' it real." In the diary room, he declares that Marcellas was "jealous" of him. Josh tells Marcellas to introduce himself next, and then diary-rooms that this was a "trap" that forced Marcellas to "play second fiddle" to him. Can I kill him now? Of course, I wouldn't actually kill him, because that would be mean, but...can I just have him killed?

Introductions all around. Lisa calls herself "crazy" twice, and that's really all I need in order to eye her suspiciously. She also talks through her teeth a lot, especially when she's thinking about how hot she's pretty sure she is. Jason's good-natured self-deprecation about being from Mobile brings the painfully predictable (and very unfunny) incest jokes from Josh. Fuckwit. Amy thinks Jason is cute. And, frankly, so do I. Tonya spills that she has five kids, which causes some dropped jaws. Lisa thinks it's "very sad" that Tonya's breasts are paid-for. Lisa believes in the natural look, I suppose, except for her gigantic tattoo. In other news, Amy pours on the drawl, and Danielle, speaking for all of us, says in the diary room that Amy "gets on [her] last nerve." Sing it, sister. Gerry tells the group he's a teacher, and we see an interview clip in which Josh reveals that he made up the part about being a long-term substitute teacher, and Gerry bought it. Uh, don't you think Gerry will talk to you about teaching sometime in the next three months? Don't you think he'll figure out you're faking? What will that do to your alliance? Not too crafty, nimrod. Gerry does manage to get off a pretty good line about how he taught Special Ed for ten years, so he might be able to help Josh a little. Heh.