Big Brother
Settling In

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Eat, Drink, and Be Scary

Now Jason, the Ethan Hawkelganger, gestures at the giant cross on the front of his church and tells us with a grin that he's "playing for a higher power." His church is one of those that look like big public libraries -- very institutional and architecturally secular. Danielle stands in front of her house and proclaims herself a "classy, sassy diva." Her family looks on uncomfortably. Eric -- who has more than a passing resemblance to a buffer Carson Daly -- is fetched from the fire station, where he is in full gear; it's really the pink reflective stripes that make the outfit. Legitimate safety measure or très faboo fashion statement? It's your call. Lisa declares that there will be "no more bartending" for her. God, has the reality television cartel reached some kind of secret agreement with the International Brotherhood of Pourers and Servers? They're employing more bartenders than the Kennedy compound. ["After, like, the eighteenth bartender appeared on Survivor last season, I figured out that 'bartender' is L.A. code for 'failed actor/model.'" -- Wing Chun] As the roundup continues, Marcellas says he's "gonna do it with style." Which would be funnier if they had shared the fact that he's a stylist. Which they haven't. Tonya, perched on a motorcycle, tosses her yellow locks and tells us she comes "direct from Sin City." Gerry, in front of Woodrow Wilson Middle School (where, according to the big sign, summer school starts July 1) promises to "teach those kids a thing or two." I still say Gerry's picture on the CBS site reminded me of Rob Reiner, but I totally see the Trading Spaces Frank resemblance, too. Roddy -- who reminds me of an actor I can't place at the moment ["a beefier Ewan McGregor? A schnozzier Jeff Daniels?" -- Wing Chun] -- promises he will "play this game to a tee." Yes, he says this while golfing. It's rather unkind to introduce a contestant by forcing him to utter a remarkably bad pun like that, isn't it? He should have been forewarned! Of course, he could have foreseen it. (Man, if I had a dictionary, I would be dangerous.)

Now the editors get their kicks by intercutting Jason packing his trusty Bible with Roddy making exasperated comments to the effect that he's sure there will be some religious zealot at the house. "Those type of people, I think, are fools," he says flatly. Oh, goody, it's another "You got religious faith in my secular humanism"/"You got secular humanism in my religious faith" setup. This will be high-larious.

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Big Brother

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