Danielle makes breakfast for everyone, which everyone appreciates. Man, Danielle is like Nicole without the footnotes to the DSM-IV. Gerry says it already feels like a family. Yeah, on the second day. I'm sure Gerry's actual family is very flattered.
Back to Julie. EEEEK! Somebody get Julie a sandwich right now. Sally Struthers needs to make one of those weepy commercials where she asks you how you can sit there eating your lasagna like the middle-class schmuck you are when Julie Chen's ribs are not only sticking through her skin, but actually making advances on Canada. Anyway, Julie looks particularly emaciated in her jeans and her stretchy rust-colored top. It's time, she tells us, for the HoH competition. Whoever wins is the Head of Household, and that person will sleep in the HoH room and make the first nominations. We cut to the house, and she has her usual boring banter with the group. The actual competition is a variation on the same very boring competition that kicked off last year's show. The bottom line is that the contestants all have to answer stupid questions about each other, and through a lame process involving a spinning wheel and other complex mechanisms, this slowly narrows down the houseguests to a single winner. The questions are boring, nothing interesting happens, and Lisa is named HoH. Seriously, you didn't miss a thing. It comes down to her and Lori, and the vote goes 8-2 in Lisa's favor, with only Roddy and Jason choosing Lori. Dumbest competition ever.
So tomorrow night, Lisa will make her nominations for eviction. For now, she goes to check out the bedroom, bringing her envious housemates along. Julie tells us that Lisa's new role includes "responsibility." Uch. She also tells us how fascinating the summer is going to be. That seems a little overly hopeful to me. And seriously, how could she know?
Thursday. Black-and-white footage of the contestants, underscored with tense drumbeats, opens tonight's installment, as we learn that crime doesn't pay. Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's over on COPS. Actually, what we learn as we go up to color is that Lisa is enjoying the cool food in the HoH room. This is followed by a lengthy sequence regarding the other houseguests and the degree to which they are kissing Lisa's ass because she's the queen. Everyone almost seems to admit to her that they're doing it, but all are unable to stop themselves. Josh, in particular, is both a practitioner and a critic of the suck-up. Lisa seems to be taking the opportunity to feel Eric's chest a lot. In fact, she implies that had she had another day or two, she wouldn't have been alone in that big HoH bed. She is...in a hurry. Golly. Anyway, the swimsuit showcase has begun, it appears, and there aren't shirts around very often. The theme of the episode is Chests, Chests, Chests! Or...wait, is that the theme of the show?