Big Brother
Slim Just Left Town

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Slim Just Left Town

Previously on Big Brother: bad. Just...bad. Tattoos, knee socks, phlegm, eyebrows, screaming, whining, crying, pouting, yelling, threatening, bullying, spitting, smoking, swearing, and pretending you and your dad didn't know you were going to be on the same TV show all summer when in reality you did. Like I said: bad. Dick, Daniele, and Zach are your final three.

The Julie Chen bobblehead (seriously, when her hair's all teased out like that I have no idea how her body supports it) welcomes us to the live show, marking Day 76 of this season-long prison experiment. Day 76. I just...wow. How the fuck do you live feed people do it? Watching Dick for 76 days? Your ulcers must have ulcers. Julie's scripted spiel is so full of references to Dick and Daniele the unbeatable father/daughter team that overcame estrangement and the Communists to win us the war that I'm surprised she doesn't start throwing garbage whenever Zach's face sneaks onto her little TV screen.

We return to the first round of the final HOH competition, where, you'll recall, the Final Three had to stand on fake tree stumps, hold onto their fake key, and occasionally hop over a rotating bar with a fake bunny tied to it. Daniele makes her first hop and smirks at the bar, all "Nice try, steel bar." The bar thinks she's a total bitch, you can tell. The show then begins to spray cold water onto the three of them, which triggers the expected whiny complaining DR from Daniele about how cooooold the water was. At the two hour mark, Daniele starts seriously shivering, like, convulsive shivering which: A) that's what you get for being skinnier than the bar you're trying to hop over, and B) she's totally playing it up for sympathy. In order to warm up her mean little heart, Daniele then instructs her dad to start bullying Zach, which, if there was ever any doubt that Daniele supports, benefits from, and encourages her dad's awful behavior, that kind of kills it. So off Dick goes, with Daniele smirking and giggling behind Zach's back. It's kind of a dog's breakfast of randomly thrown insults as presented here, and Zach does a really great job of ignoring Dick completely. It really bothers Dick, this silence. You can tell because he calls Zach a pussy for not responding. Daniele starts convulsing again, which distracts Dick way more than Dick's insults have distracted Zach, and that's when the rotating bar starts slowing down. Dick hops the slow bar, as does Zach, but when it comes to Daniele, rather than simply stepping over it (which she has ample time to do), she just lets it back her off the stump until she falls. Stellar performance there, challenge demon. Dick? Is PISSED. Then the greatest thing happens, as Daniele goes inside, wraps herself in about a dozen towels as she walks to the bathroom, and starts freak-out crying. It's awesome to see. Boo hoo hoo hee hee.

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