Big Brother
Slim Just Left Town

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Slim Just Left Town

As in previous years, the final stage of the final HOH competition involves a jury member being asked a question, and the two contestants having to answer what they think that jurors answer was. This competition gets very boring very early because it's ultimately decided by the very first question: "Amber said the moment in the house that irritated her the most was A) when Jen cried about her picture, or B) being handcuffed to Kail?" Zach immediately chooses "B" and does so with such confidence that I figure Amber must've told him something about really hating Kail, because on the surface the answer is obviously "A," so why else would Zach so confidently choose otherwise? We'll never know, but he's totally wrong; Dick gets it right, and for the other five questions he answers exactly the same as Zach does, which means he keeps that one point advantage throughout and he wins. I have seen contests to count the number of jellybeans in a jar that were more compelling than that.

So Dick and Daniele start freaking the hell out, yelling and screaming and hugging and...well, kind of humping each other I'm sorry but they just are. Dick keeps screaming about how it's all over now, they've already won the game no matter how it turns out. So...tune in for the finale on Tuesday, America! It couldn't matter less!

After the break, Julie ludicrously makes Zach and Daniele go through the motions of begging the HOH for votes, which is already the most pointless part of eviction nights even when the lone vote doesn't belong to the father of one of the possible evictees. Dick eliminates Zach with his usual utter lack of class, basically telling him to get the fuck out and not looking him in the eye and brushing off Zach's (admittedly pathetic) attempts to kiss their asses. Once Zach walks out, Dick continues kicking garbage cans and screaming about how it doesn't even matter what the jury does on Tuesday. "Who cares!" he screams. Again, way to painstakingly engineer that final two, Grodner and Co.! They're really doing a bang-up job promoting your season finale.

Julie spends most of Zach's Chenterview doing the following: implying that he never employed any strategy during the game (as Dick alleged), getting Zach to admit that Dick and Daniele aren't horrible people in real life (they are), and telling Zach it was stupid to nominate D&D together at Top 4 (Zach says not nominating Jameka was a play for jury votes, which sounds believable enough to me). Zach's good-bye videos include Daniele disgustingly saying that Zach said some hurtful things to her this week that she really hopes he'll apologize for, because then they can be friends! She really is the fairy princess of her own universe, is she not? Dick is like, "You're totally lame but I guess I don't hate you." Zach, who is at root an insecure turd of the sort who joins a frat in college because he thinks it'll cure him of his high school dweebery, accepts these like they're genuine compliments and is grinning like a moron and almost crying because he thinks they want to be his friend. This is a sad end for Zach, I will say. All the goodwill built up by laughing Dick down from his pedestal is almost completely gone.

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Big Brother

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