Big Brother
The 13th Hour

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Shut The Elf Up

SPEECHES

Julie: "Brendon, make a meandering pussified speech about nothing in particular."
Brendon: "I'm not going to cry, Julie."
(Immediately starts crying, for no reason.)
Brendon: "[Whatever, it's a lot of rambling, but the main thing is that he is the best boyfriend that ever lived, because he stayed on the block, which was also a game-changing move that somehow, he still believes, will result in Daniele's destruction.]"

Julie: "Jordan, save us from this nonsense."
Jordan: "I hope I don't go home this week! Thanks, y'all."
Julie: "Jordan, you are a delight."

VOTE

Jeff and Rachel vote for their respective couplehoods, of course. Jeff does this in a regular way, and Rachel does it in a way that suggests she was stabbed sixty times immediately before entering the Diary Room, causing the studio audience to laugh at her even more than usual. Commercial, and then the votes go: Kalia votes to evict Brendon, pathetic dancing elf Adam votes Brendon, Porsche sticks with Crazy Rachel and votes Jordan, Lawon votes for ice cream and monkeys and Brendon, pointless Shelly votes Brendon and blows a pointless kiss, and we rejoin the Houseguests.

By a vote of 5 to 2, Jordan is safe. Brendon rushes through his goodbyes so that he can hug Rachel and cry and talk about how he is physically and sexually attracted to her, whirls her around in his giant monkey arms, and gets an anemic response from the studio audience. Somehow Rachel remembers not to take a live piss while this is going on, proving that even she is capable of learning.

Julie: "Brendon, we're not even going to talk about how stupid you are."
Brendon: "Good deal. Let's talk about how amazing it is that I feel so strongly about Rachel that I tossed this entire game out just to be a moron."
Julie: "Was it also strategic? Give me something there."
Brendon: "Julie, when you frame the question that way it changes the subject from what a fucking hero I am. Also, it makes me look idiotic."
Julie: "Fair enough."

Brendon: "It's difficult for me to imagine that any woman is capable of independent thought, so I can only assume that Daniele's successes have to do with insecurity about living in her dad's shadow. Also, they told me to say that. Also, don't think that just because she won HoH and got me evicted that she deserves credit for any of this. It is only the sign of a greater hubris. In fact, I have won. I am the victor, because Daniele got me evicted but it doesn't count. In summation, all women are stupid, and I have an imaginary PhD in various kinds of science."

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Big Brother

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