Back from the ads, Julie rattles off some stats Phil-like before starting to reveal the votes. America's vote is revealed first, since there's no suspense there: 11 million people voted for Jordan. So did Jessie and Lydia. Russell voted for Natalie, at least sparing her Memphis's fate of a unanimous loss. And with Jeff's vote going unsurprisingly to Jordan, we have a winner. She gets up, tugs down her shorts, and hugs Natalie, and the two of them walk out to a storm of confetti. Jordan screams and hugs her family before the other houseguests converge on her. It's pandemonium in there. Julie tells us we're about to hear who America's favorite player, but not before one last ad break, which I don't get to fast-forward at all.

Julie reveals the last two votes: Michele and Kevin voted for Jordan and Natalie respectively, giving Jordan a vote of what Julie calls "Five to-do." Well, actually it's more like eleven million and five to-do. Jordan talks about her plans for the money (house, college, car, and a conspicuous lack of her own damn airfare to Hawaii). And then Julie reveals the unshocking news that Jeff won America's Favorites Houseguest by a wide margin, and hands him the envelope. It doesn't look like there's room for a $25,000 prize in there, but Jeff seems pretty happy anyway. Julie signs off, and we're out. The end. Let's all get back to our lives now, shall we?

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.