Big Brother

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America's Sweethearts

Julie welcomes us to the two-hour season finale, looking like the Emperor from Star Wars if the Emperor wore knee-length periwinkle and facial glitter. Then, after a whole season's worth of previouslies, we're back in the studio, which has been outfitted with additional bleachers to accommodate a bigger crowd (which we'll see includes, among others, Evel Dick, Mike Boogie, and the final three's families). Julie reminds us that we're down to the final three -- Natalie, Kevin, and Jordan -- one of whom is about to become the final HoH, as long as it's not Natalie.

Jordan and Kevin both tell us in the Diary Room how happy they are that Natalie screwed the pooch and is out of the running for HoH. It works out well for both of them, really. Natalie, in turn, says she needs to be both of their best friend to get taken to the final two. Yes, that's a solid strategy. Another solid strategy would have been to not suck so much at the competitions in the first place.

After the phase-two HoH results are announced, Kevin and Natalie have a subdued conversation in the red room, where Natalie expresses her doubts that Kevin's going to stick to his promise to take her with him. Which she has good reason to do, but he's maintaining the fa├žade that they're still BFF. Must have been hard to know how much of this to edit into the finale, before the producers knew it was going to be moot anyway.

Later, Natalie is summoned to the DR. While she's gone, Kevin wants to confirm that Jordan is "on board." Kevin assures her that he'll take her to the final two instead of Natalie. Jordan gives Kevin the same assurance, but tells the DR that she's going to take Natalie if she gets to the end, because she thinks Kevin will get more votes as a result of having won more stuff. She's giving the jury way too much credit. And I'm counting the juror called America.

Kevin goes to camp out in the backyard, leaving Jordan and Natalie alone in the kitchen. Natalie gives Jordan the worst "let's keep in touch" speech ever, and Jordan blows the whistle on Kevin, saying that he's promised to take Jordan to the final two (to Natalie's notable lack of surprise). Jordan says she plans to take Natalie if she wins. She even tells us in the DR that she means it.

Next morning, Kevin meditates outside, wondering aloud if there's any final-two scenario where he can win. He doesn't think it looks good. Natalie joins him and assures him that there are scenarios where he can win. As long as, of course, he doesn't evict Natalie, because Natalie would vote against him. Eventually Natalie gets tired of listening to him talk, thinking that it means he's considering going back on their deal. She stomps inside, announcing, "You just made me upset." Like that's hard.

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Big Brother

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