Big Brother

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M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
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America's Sweethearts

Then Julie brings up Jessie's description of his relationship with Lydia as "platonic." Then she plays the clip of Lydia climbing out of his bed in her underwear. Then she reads Jessie the Webster's definition of "platonic," just in case that word does not mean what he thinks it means (which, admittedly, is a possibility). Jessie looks busted. When Julie asks if it's still going on in the jury house, Lydia conspicuously doesn't answer. Russell is shocked by this, wondering where he was when this was going on. "Probably yelling at someone," he figures. Point to Russell.

Julie then asks Jeff if his relationship with Jordan will continue. He jokes that he's waiting to see if she wins, but when the laughter dies down, he demurs. Julie polls the crowd about the two of them going to Hawaii together, and even though they seem to be overwhelmingly in favor, all Jeff will say is that she's on the short list. If that list is as short as her pants, it's a very short list indeed. Speaking of which, when Julie throws us to commercial once again, and Jordan, thinking she's already off the air, gets up and tugs down the hem of her shorts once again, with a marked lack of grace or decorum. At least we don't hear her saying she's sweating.

Back from the ads, Julie rattles off some stats Phil-like before starting to reveal the votes. America's vote is revealed first, since there's no suspense there: 11 million people voted for Jordan. So did Jessie and Lydia. Russell voted for Natalie, at least sparing her Memphis's fate of a unanimous loss. And with Jeff's vote going unsurprisingly to Jordan, we have a winner. She gets up, tugs down her shorts, and hugs Natalie, and the two of them walk out to a storm of confetti. Jordan screams and hugs her family before the other houseguests converge on her. It's pandemonium in there. Julie tells us we're about to hear who America's favorite player, but not before one last ad break, which I don't get to fast-forward at all.

Julie reveals the last two votes: Michele and Kevin voted for Jordan and Natalie respectively, giving Jordan a vote of what Julie calls "Five to-do." Well, actually it's more like eleven million and five to-do. Jordan talks about her plans for the money (house, college, car, and a conspicuous lack of her own damn airfare to Hawaii). And then Julie reveals the unshocking news that Jeff won America's Favorites Houseguest by a wide margin, and hands him the envelope. It doesn't look like there's room for a $25,000 prize in there, but Jeff seems pretty happy anyway. Julie signs off, and we're out. The end. Let's all get back to our lives now, shall we?

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Big Brother

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