Big Brother
The Blonder Of Two Evils

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The Early-Out Curse
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Tuesday

You know, what I love about Big Brother (that's how I've decided all recaps must begin, the better to maintain my cheery disposition) is that it's on so often and they have so much time to fill that by the time they're finished telling you what's going to happen, showing it, showing you that it happened, and then showing you that it happened some more, you have it imprinted on your brain as if you are a small duck and it's the remote-control car you have chosen as your mama. Thus, it and you can never be separated. That is what I love about Big Brother. This week, we revisit the great moment when "the best of the best," such as Howie and Chicken George, were invited into the All-Star [sic-sic] house to tangle with each other. Jase and Janelle became the two HoHs, and everyone envied their monogrammed robes of many colors and plotted to sell them and tell the producers they were eaten by a wild animal.

It strikes me that the show's producers made a very interesting decision in choosing opening shots of all these people in which they're happily smiling. I envision some intern who misbehaved last week being assigned to scour the footage for a picture of Mike smiling non-creepily. And I envision her being up very late.

Rehash-O-Vision reminds us that Alison and Danielle were nominated at the end of the last show. I am reminded of the way that they make contestants on this show say the most dumb-ass things, like "that concludes the first nomination ceremony." I'm really surprised that they don't make someone snuff out a candle.

We snap to color as Alison DRs over a hug between herself and Janelle: "I will inflict pure misery on Janelle in this house." So you see, it's irony. They're hugging, but Alison doesn't mean it. Unlike Janelle, who is getting the Shirley Temple edit and will never be shown doing anything other than grinning adorably. Her hugs are real, but she is not. Alison is sporting a sort of Emma Peel look in her DR session, including a sleek, zipped-up sweater and surprisingly sophisticated, upswept hair. Marcellas is a stylist -- I'm thinking her diversion into this look is why he will later hesitate to evict her. She's the only person that I can honestly say I've ever seen looking jarringly elegant. Back at the end of the ceremony, James instructs Danielle that she has to hug people now. She's like, "Whatever," and she hugs him. Heh. I enjoy seeing people admit that the hugging taking place at a moment like this is just You're Supposed To hugging, as opposed to actual hugging, where there are feelings. Hugging with feelings is how you get yourself in trouble. (And how!) Danielle informs us that she was never nominated during her season. If I were Danielle, I would find this kind of embarrassing, in that she managed to avoid nomination every single week, but managed to still make everyone hate her so much that she got like one vote for the win. I'm not sure being the poster girl for "they didn't nominate me, but man, they hated me" is as much a badge of honor as Danielle does. But she's still driving it home, tightly muttering to everyone, "Always a first for everyone." Don't live in the past, Danielle.

Janelle's voice is really squeaky, y'all. But anyway. She tells us that the reason Alison and Danielle were nominated is that they were trying to convince Jase to disagree with what Janelle refers to as "my nominations," in which case Jase and Janelle would have gone up. As explained last week, I'm not sure at all that that's what Danielle set out to do; I think that she may have just not gotten the response she was anticipating. For his part, Jase just says that it didn't make sense to go after easier people when he had the chance to take out a huge player. As Alison and Danielle compare notes on the way back to their bedroom, Alison says, "Girl, I don't want to be up there with you." Alison, indeed, says in the DR that she digs Danielle, and that she isn't happy that they're the two who are up. Danielle is off to her usual "I am awesome, and I will tell you all about it frequently" start when she says, "When people label you as one of the smartest players..." and Alison finishes, "You are screwed." "I'm screwed," Danielle agrees. "There's nothing I can do." Well, you could have kept your mouth shut, I guess, instead of "stirring the pot," but that would draw less attention to you than the way you did it, and I have a feeling you would not tolerate that. In the DR, Danielle tells us that people say she's the smartest person to ever not win the game (Little-Known Fact: Stephen Hawking won Big Brother: Schrodinger's Cat), and she blames that fact for her nomination. I'm not sure if she gets that she's on the block more because of her own stupid move than because of her reputation. Not that "I am in trouble because I suffer from a surplus of greatness" isn't pretty much the most common self-diagnosis of troubled reality-show contestants. And then Danielle says again -- this is three times that we know about -- that she's never been nominated before. Alison opens her eyes in wide-eyed wonder. But Danielle assures Alison that her mind is...well, it's making futile clicking noises like a car that won't start, according to Danielle's gesture and accompanying mouth noises. I'm not sure what powerful engine Danielle thinks makes those sorts of clicking sounds. Danielle says that she's going to shut up and let Alison "sink herself." Just about the first smart thing I've heard her say all season.

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