Big Brother
The Blonder Of Two Evils

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The Early-Out Curse

When we return, Chicken George is snoring one of those extraordinary snores that you sort of stop being able to find funny after you learn that he probably stops breathing hundreds of times every night, especially since he seems to do this even while lying on his side. People come in the room and stare at him. "George snores," Will explains, "like a four hundred pound baby hippopotamus." Danielle refers to it as "calling the hogs." (Hogs: "We'll just...stay over here, thanks.") Will adds that if George is trying to strategically drive him from the house by snoring, it's going pretty well.

The next morning, Will seems to be taking the last night of bad sleep particularly hard. When George emerges, bleary-eyed, Will asks him, "How'd you sleep, buddy?" "Dude, I didn't sleep good at all," George says, and Will busts into hysterical laughter: "Me neither!" Everyone laughs. That was a wonderful comic event, because in the entire room, the tension just built, and as George emerged, it was bubbling and bubbling, and when he said "I didn't sleep good at all," it just broke open. Those are good moments.

In the backyard, the House decides that what it really needs is a slip-and-slide. This really excites Will. Kaysar says that they slicked it up with oil, shaving cream, dishwashing liquid, and apparently whatever else they could find. It's always dangerous when the uninitiated start improvising lubricants. Will takes a good slide, and then Howie heads down wearing a trash bag as a dress. I...don't know. Howie proclaims that it's "awesome," and both Jase and Kaysar take good rides. In fact, Kaysar does such a good job sliding that he slides himself right into the wall. For some unknown reason, it is decided that George is going to lie on top of Howie, and the two of them will then be flung down the slide. Howie lies on his back, and George lies down on top of him. Will somberly questions us in the DR: "When was the last time you saw a grown man straddle a grown man and have four people throw him down a slip-and-slide? You've probably never seen that." Right on, baby. At this point, Marcellas pokes his head out the door and looks with horror at the spectacle, as if he is seeing butterflies sautéed. He takes his turn with the DR commentary: "The very idea of George mounting Howie almost made me straight," he giggles in his white fluffy robe. Oh, this is Marcellas at his best. I so wish it weren't usually accompanied by Marcellas at his worst. Maybe this season, it won't be. Maybe he can just be bitchy and not so mean or self-important. I am not optimistic. George and Howie wipe out pretty quickly, and unfortunately for mankind, another great idea ends in disaster. You know, some people see two men who are slipping down a slip-and-slide together and ask why; I see two men who have not slipped down a slip-and-slide together -- James and Will, for instance -- and ask why not.

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Big Brother

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