The storage room is full of food, to the squealing delight of all concerned. We are now subjected to an interminably long and unfunny sequence about attempts to hide Amy's precious cheese. This sequence climbs up in my lap, uncorks a bottle of Oil of Ennui, and dabs it under my nostrils, and now I can't concentrate. In the end, the cheese sequence occupies one minute and fifteen seconds of screen time. Yes, these people are in the house twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for a total of one hundred sixty-eight hours. During that time, they plot, they scheme, they sleep together, they talk trash, and every now and then, they take their clothes off. The show, on the other hand, is on for about one hundred twenty minutes a week, not counting commercials, and it just devoted one minute and fifteen seconds to hiding cheese. I'm just saying.
Marcellas lounges in the back yard with Chiara sitting on his legs. She admires his shirt, and when he gives her the full details on its vintage origins, she deadpans, "You're right. I can't see why anyone would think you were gay." They both cackle. In the diary room, he tells us that indeed, his sexuality is no longer the world's least-kept secret. Back at the lounge chair, he and Chiara agree that he pretty much gave it away when it became known that he owns, let alone wears, a lush bathrobe. Hee.
Bedhopping hilarity. Eric and Lisa move into the Big Bed Room, so now it is occupied by the two of them plus Lori, Marcellas, Chiara, and Roddy. Everyone ponders the porn possibilities of the various sleeping arrangements involving gay men, firefighters, moms, and so forth. Blah blah merriment. Sleep well, nitwits.
Oh, good grief. However much time they spent on the cheese, it's not as bad as the time they now devote to Jason's explanation of why chess makes a good metaphor for the game. Do you get it? Do you? DO YOU? As he and Josh play, Jason voices over from the diary room that there are pawns, and pieces that are sacrificed, and blah blah blah oh my GOD please give me a fork to stab into my own liver so I don't have to listen to any more of this. Here's an example of the subtlety: Jason says he wants to do something with the queen. Josh says, "It is nice to do something with your queen." Cut to...black-and-white shot of Lisa. Oh, please. Jason and Josh continue this hilariously vague conversation about strategy, because neither of them wants to say anything of substance. And neither of them, of course, has anything especially substantive to say.
Roddy and Chiara. Now I find this segment kinda funny, because I think he's mostly messing with her, and she sort of doesn't get it. He starts in while they're sitting around outside, saying, "So, when are we gonna smooch?" "Not for a while," she responds. "How long do you think?" "Probably about five weeks." Hmm. I could be wrong, but I think she blew this exchange. (No pun intended.) I think he was attempting banter, not asking an actual question, in which case her line is something more like, "I don't know. I mean, do you really think that's likely?" I'm concerned that he gave her the set and she failed to spike it. At least that's what I would have done. Of course, now she's in bed with him, and I'm...you know, TYPING, so...you do the math. Anyway, they flirt, they spoon, night-vision cuddling, and so on. Among other things, she refers to him as "Hottie." Instead of "Roddy." Sadly, I'm really not sure Chiara's wit goes very far beyond rhyming. In the diary room, Roddy talks about flirting with Chiara, and calls her "a lot of fun" and "a great girl." Oh, my. Talk about Phrases of Death. He also says "I keep tellin' her I'm gonna kiss her" in such a way that you can tell he goes on to explain that he's not necessarily serious about it -- but that, of course, is edited out. Later, as they're lying in bed, he whispers that he learned something today, and she asks what. "I learned you're a super-great girl." Yes, he actually says she's a "super-great girl," which is quite possibly the most sexless compliment of all time, except for "super-great gal," which I'm sure he almost said. Ugh. Correctly, she tells him he's a dork. I just can't decide whether I want to snuggle up to him for the season or not.