After a little preening, it's luxury competition time. Everyone gathers in the living room, and I swear it seems like Lisa has been HoH since man discovered fire. As usual, everyone is required to wear swimsuits for the competition. Why? Oh, no reason. Don't you wear yours whenever you have to engage in any sort of activity? In this particular parade of idiocy, the houseguests are divided into two teams. They take turns running into the house and figuring out what items have been removed. First team to find everything that's been taken wins a Hawaiian luau in the yard. There are a few notable highlights. Marcellas finally embraces the nerd/cool-kid split when, after choosing Lisa for his team, he comes to his senses, remembers who his friends are, and picks Gerry and Amy next. It's kind of endearing, really, and I'm tickled that Amy has, for now, wound up on the nerd side of the equation. She's much more interesting that way. Josh is chosen last, and Amy tells him, "You have to go to the team that didn't want you." He thinks she's kidding. Once the race itself is underway, Lisa comments that Tonya is at a bit of a disadvantage because she has to carry her gigantic fake breasts everywhere she goes. Thus burdened by her gazongas, Tonya is so utterly unable to find anything that she allows the other team to recover from a significant deficit. And, in what is clearly the most telling thing about this entire piece, the contestants prove unable to spell, basically, anything. Eric means to write "picture" and writes "pitcher." Chiara means to write "oar" and writes "orr." No, really -- "orr." Roddy refers to the "dinning room chairs." You know, usually, when you say people on television are idiots, you're forced to work without a lot of actual empirical evidence. But the inability to spell "oar"? Yeah, that makes you an actual certified moron. And "picture"/"pitcher"? That's a freakin' classic. Third-graders all across America are encouraged by the fact that they still have a lot of time to study their spelling lists before they risk being considered too stupid for television. The winners are Marcellas, Amy, Tonya, Eric, Gerry, and Lisa, because they are very slightly less devoid of intelligence than Lori, Josh, Roddy, Danielle, Chiara, and Jason.
Luau. You don't care. And even if you did, I don't. Suffice it to say it's the sort of luau you'd get in the Four Winds Room of the Hyatt at the annual meeting of the National Association of Independent Plumbing Suppliers.