Big Brother
The Inaugural Boot

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Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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When Gerry Met Salad...

And now, the segment in which you are instructed to think Danielle is really, really funny. The only problem is that she's so clearly not. Not only is she not funny, but when they show the segments that supposedly prove that the rest of the house thinks she's funny, they mostly show her working her rear off to be amusing, and...they kind of show people obligingly acting amused, but not seeming all that amused. She does her impressions of the rest of the houseguests, which are unremarkable at best -- among other things, she gets Amy's accent entirely wrong, doing the hick twang rather than the honey drawl, and her Gerry is appropriately dismissive and insulting, but doesn't have much to do with his actual mockable qualities, of which there are too many to count. And her version of Lori's Wisconsin accent could not be less effective. Someday, when we have more time, I will teach you her Midwestern-accent practice sentence.

Now the women gather 'round to hear the rather surprising story of Marcellas's one-time engagement to a woman. He talks very warmly about how much he loved her, how he fell head-over-heels for her and breathlessly proposed...it's really very touching. I mean, presumably, there's a later part of this story that isn't so nice, but they don't really show us that part, or Marcellas doesn't tell it. Rather hilariously, the women who are there (Lori, Lisa, Tonya, Chiara, and Danielle -- everybody except Amy) all wind up talking about it as if it were the most emotionally moving thing they have ever seen in their lives. Lisa says she had a lump in her throat. Danielle mocks herself for finding it "so beautiful." Tonya says it makes her tear up just thinking about it. Marcellas explains that he bought his girl a ring, and that his philosophy is that if you're going to bother buying a ring, "go to Tiffany, and get it on. Every woman deserves the blue box with the black writing and the white ribbon." He's so wonderful, because he says that as a boyfriend, but also as a stylist. Chiara stares dreamily at him. Lisa says it gave her hope that "there are nice guys out there." Speaking for a nation of single women who attended liberal arts colleges, I cannot help screaming at my television, "AND THEY'RE ALL GAY!" The women all diary-room about how much they love him now. Love him. Basically got big fat crushes on him from that one story. Everybody hug! As he embraces the women, Marcellas congratulates himself for telling the story without "pull[ing] a Bunky." They all laugh adoringly. Aw, how much do I love him?

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Big Brother

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