Big Brother
The Inaugural Boot

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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When Gerry Met Salad...

As if this conversation weren't stupid enough, Lori now walks in and is honestly appalled that all these people (the crowd at one time or another includes Tonya, Chiara, Lisa, Danielle, Josh, Marcellas, Eric, and Jason) are sitting around talking about this. (But Lori, did you see him? His hands! The salad!) She suddenly loses about nine of her remaining twelve marbles in one fell swoop, and starts babbling that everyone else runs their hands through their hair while they're cooking. She mocks them by psychotically fondling her hair and screeching these exact words, and I am not lying: "Oh, my GOD, I feel glamorous! Can I help you with the meat?" You know, every really, really bad show reaches a point where you stop resisting its sheer, unmitigated hideousness and start embracing it as the carnival freak show it really is. You may have your own, but for me, it's Lori, screaming, "Can I help you with the meat?" I mean, who could ask for anything more?

In the end, it's all rather anticlimactic, because after Lori and Danielle yell at each other for a while about whether it's stupider to sit around gossiping about a guy who doesn't wash his hands, or to scream like a lunatic at people who do, they agree to pull Gerry in and ask him to, you know, wash his hands after he uses the bathroom, and he says that's fine. Lori twitches.

Next time we see Gerry, he's dramatically washing his hands like a surgeon after emerging from the bathroom to find Danielle at the sink. They have a good chuckle over it, and I have to give Gerry at least some credit for being good-humored about something that was undoubtedly pretty embarrassing to have brought up.

And now, some time with Amy. She explains that she's the kind of person who does her own thing, but she knows she has an "air of superiority" that can be off-putting. She walks into the bathroom, where interestingly enough, Chiara and Tonya are in the shower together, covered with shaving cream. And Josh, Roddy, and Eric are watching. No, they are. How this occurred, of course, is not shown. As Amy is leaving a minute later, Chiara asks her if she wants to come in the shower with them. "Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm going to play cards," Amy says, and then adds, "Y'all have fun!" As Amy leaves, Chiara says, "Let's not say I didn't try to include her in something." Now, in Chiara's very slight defense (not that she strikes me as defensible generally), I do think she's kidding about trying to include Amy, and is teasing about being surprised that Amy wouldn't want to participate. God knows I'm not sticking up for whatever weird crap is going on in that bathroom, but I don't think Chiara was genuinely claiming that she was trying to be Amy's friend at that particular moment. Outside, Amy reports to Marcellas and Lori what just happened, and how Chiara said she'd been trying to "make a connection" with Amy. "I'm sorry," Amy says, utterly disgusted, "I don't want to connect on their level." Yeah, okay, Amy, but let's not get all too far above the low-class behavior of others when you are, after all, the girl who got smashed and hung from a tree yelling like a fool on the very first night. Lori tells Amy to break up the "power circle," and now...oh, dear. Lori is having another breakdown. "Split it up!" she yells. "Break it up! Shake it up! Baby, shake it!" By the end of this, she's doing a sort of Wisconsin Little Richard thing, and I'm thinking it's time to get the hook, because she's about to go so far around the bend that she'll be difficult to retrieve.

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Big Brother

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