Big Brother
The Inaugural Boot

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Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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When Gerry Met Salad...

Gerry comes to Lisa's room, where she's hanging out with Chiara. Wow, he must have saved a lot of proofs of purchase to land that yin-yang necklace he's wearing. He wants to know when the Goobers (whom he putridly refers to as "the cartel") are meeting again to discuss strategy. Gerry says the obvious choice for "the Lori position" in the next nominations is Jason. Chiara momentarily panics at the thought that her pet virgin will be in jeopardy, but she agrees that it makes sense. Gerry says he's unapologetically being a "tight-ass mercenary." Yeah, your students are never going to bring that one up in the future. ("Settle down, you in the back row." "Ooooh, look who's a tight-ass mercenary!") He then makes an incredibly bizarre remark to the effect that he has one thing to say before returning to "eunuch-man." He tells Lisa that "an intelligent woman is such a turn-on." Don't even get me started on that remark, either in general or in this particular circumstance, because we'll be here through the beginning of the fall season. Or you'll be here, anyway. I'll be locked up.

Eric has a good body. Eric is a firefighter. Everyone loves firefighters. Eric likes running the big noisy sirens. Eric is the lizard's best friend. And I have fortuitously hit my Lizard Daily Allowance and my Eric Daily Allowance at precisely the same moment, so I think we're done here.

Because food challenges aren't boring enough, it's now time for the even more soporific segment covering preparations for the food challenge. The houseguests loll about on the couches, each assigned to come up with five food items they are craving. What I think is most appalling is that someone mentions iceberg lettuce. I'm sorry, but how can you crave iceberg lettuce? It has no flavor and no nutritional value. Amy can't shut up about cheese -- cream cheese, Jack cheese, Cheddar cheese, Colby cheese, pepperjack cheese -- and Josh just plain can't shut up. He diary-rooms on and on about how long it took for everyone to pick their five foods. He claims that "one stupid idea comes out, and everyone jumps on the bandwagon of retardation." Well, you should know, pinhead. You're the one sitting behind the wheel, leaning on the horn.

Josh plays cards with Marcellas, and tries to score a few ego points by making Marcellas beg him for his vote. "Why should I keep you in over her?" Josh asks. Marcellas tells Josh he should vote out the person more likely to beat him later. This is a smart move bordering on brilliant, of course, because Marcellas gets exactly who Josh is, and knows that Josh is very nearly stupid enough to allow himself to be manipulated into not voting for Marcellas just to prove that he isn't afraid of losing to him. You'll recall that Marcellas just told Amy to "vote her heart." Knowing what to exploit in people is, of course, the only way to win this game, which is why it's interesting, as well as why it's sort of pathetic and depressing. Josh claims not to know what he's going to do about the vote. Marcellas tells Josh to "watch [his] back," and the editors provide two quick and grainy slam-close-ups of Josh, just in case the dramatic tension wasn't clear to you. Josh-JOOOSH! Is it clear to you now?

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Big Brother

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