Big Brother
The Inaugural Boot

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Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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When Gerry Met Salad...

The storage room is full of food, to the squealing delight of all concerned. We are now subjected to an interminably long and unfunny sequence about attempts to hide Amy's precious cheese. This sequence climbs up in my lap, uncorks a bottle of Oil of Ennui, and dabs it under my nostrils, and now I can't concentrate. In the end, the cheese sequence occupies one minute and fifteen seconds of screen time. Yes, these people are in the house twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for a total of one hundred sixty-eight hours. During that time, they plot, they scheme, they sleep together, they talk trash, and every now and then, they take their clothes off. The show, on the other hand, is on for about one hundred twenty minutes a week, not counting commercials, and it just devoted one minute and fifteen seconds to hiding cheese. I'm just saying.

Marcellas lounges in the back yard with Chiara sitting on his legs. She admires his shirt, and when he gives her the full details on its vintage origins, she deadpans, "You're right. I can't see why anyone would think you were gay." They both cackle. In the diary room, he tells us that indeed, his sexuality is no longer the world's least-kept secret. Back at the lounge chair, he and Chiara agree that he pretty much gave it away when it became known that he owns, let alone wears, a lush bathrobe. Hee.

Bedhopping hilarity. Eric and Lisa move into the Big Bed Room, so now it is occupied by the two of them plus Lori, Marcellas, Chiara, and Roddy. Everyone ponders the porn possibilities of the various sleeping arrangements involving gay men, firefighters, moms, and so forth. Blah blah merriment. Sleep well, nitwits.

Oh, good grief. However much time they spent on the cheese, it's not as bad as the time they now devote to Jason's explanation of why chess makes a good metaphor for the game. Do you get it? Do you? DO YOU? As he and Josh play, Jason voices over from the diary room that there are pawns, and pieces that are sacrificed, and blah blah blah oh my GOD please give me a fork to stab into my own liver so I don't have to listen to any more of this. Here's an example of the subtlety: Jason says he wants to do something with the queen. Josh says, "It is nice to do something with your queen." Cut to...black-and-white shot of Lisa. Oh, please. Jason and Josh continue this hilariously vague conversation about strategy, because neither of them wants to say anything of substance. And neither of them, of course, has anything especially substantive to say.

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Big Brother

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