CBS loves screwing with the schedule so, yet again, we don't get a Saturday episode this week. To Tuesday! That is, after I almost have a massive heart attack because I thought I somehow didn't tape this episode. But all is well, after I breathe into a paper bag and scan through the entire tape, finally finding the footage between minute twenty-five and the hour-and-a-half mark of the crapalicious VH-1 movie I recently recapped for The X-Files. Anyhoo. The HoH competition that began last week is still in progress; Nicole and Will and It'sOnica are on the bed in the back yard, hanging onto their keys for dear life. Will's pants are soaked through but, sadly, we get no footage of anyone peeing his or her pants. Man, I wanted to see the peeing! Pee = great TV. Come on, it even rhymes! The houseguests complain that they're uncomfortable on the bed. Well, Nicole complains. Sit, sit, sit. Will hums off-key. We're endlessly reminded that this HoH is pivotal to the way the endgame will play out.
Big Blue Chair of It Being On, Yet Again. It'sOnica tells us that "Nicole and [Hardly] are a team. Everybody knows it. If you don't know it, you can see it." Wouldn't you then know it, if you...you know what? Never mind.
More talking about how important it is for Nicole to win HoH, at least as far as Nicole and Hardly are concerned. Everyone lolls on the bed. A plane flies past dragging a banner, ostensibly from Nicole's husband, Jeff. According to the banner, Jeff is "betrayed and hurt" because Nicole allegedly hooked up with Will in the hot tub, something the Live Feed recappers outlined extensively, but that we never saw on the show. From what I know, the houseguests all got wasted, and Nicole -- how do I put this? -- slid her foot into Will's swim trunks to see what she could find. Ahem. Anyway, as the banner passes, Will shouts for Hardly to come outside, and Nicole loses her mind. She sobs. She snuffles. She sniffs. Hardly trots outside, and dubs the banner "bullshit." Nicole sobs about her marriage some more. In the Big Blue Chair of Cover-Ups, Hardly explains that the hot tub incident "was misconstrued on the internet." Um, who's to say that Jeff wasn't watching the live feeds himself? This segment is edited to make it look like Jeff got wind of some crazy rumor a stranger invented and then released to the world via email, but as far as any of us know, he may well have seen the whole thing for himself. Anyway, back on the bed, Will bites his thumb to keep from laughing as Nicole moans and wails, and It'sOnica pipes up to tell Jeff that "nothing happened." Will says nothing. Nicole fakely sobs that she lives for Jeff and her family and their life.