Big Brother
The King Is Dead. Long Live the King!

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Jessica: B+ | Grade It Now!
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The King Is Dead. Long Live the King!

Julie directs us to the Green Room, where Hardly's grandmother and brother sit on a sofa and look blank, and Nicole's husband Jeff stretches his legs out and looks really, really irritated. ["And has a beard braided like a rat-tail, which really tells you everything you need to know about him." -- Wing Chun]

Will says some more shit to the effect that the vote is still wide open. Oh, he knows whom he's going to vote for. He's just playing us! Cue the violins!

At last, Julie goes to talk to the houseguests, who have been passing the time by singing, although they stop when she greets him. "Sounds like Cheap Trick," she tells them. Everyone cheers. "'I Want You to Want Me,' Julie," Hardly says. Julie's like, no way. Then, they talk about the Survivors a bit. It's not very interesting, although the houseguests do bitch about losing the luxury competition. "That Jeff guy, he's got it coming to him," Hardly says. If by "it," Hardly means "Hardly Hill's red-hot gay love," yes, he does. Poor Hardly, he's really turning on the charm, and it's falling flat all over the place. He's no Will, people. Finally, Julie turns to my evil, funny boyfriend. "Hey, baby," he says. Julie dissolves into girlish giggles, and tells him that he's the most powerful person in the Big Brother house. He tells her that he used to feel compelled to "vote with the group," and now, he is the group, and he likes it. Next, Julie informs Hardly and Nicole that their final words could possibly change Will's vote. "Doubt it," Nicole snarks. Both of them "choose not to address Will," and instead just say a whole bunch of nothing. Nicole spouts a whole bunch of crap to the effect that this is a "win/loss [sic]" situation and...yeah, I don't care. She does say some nice things about Hardly, because she's in love with him or something, then she sobs a bit about Jeff, and...nope, still don't care. For his part, Hardly starts his speech by thanking God, which annoys me when people do it on the Oscars, and it annoys me here. He then gives shout-outs to, seriously, eighty-five people before Julie cuts him off. Go Julie!

Big Blue Chair of Avenging With Great Wrath. Will muses that he holds Hardly responsible for Shannon's eviction, but, on the other hand, they're good friends, and they work out together. Should he avenge Shannon, or should he bury the hatchet? he wonders.

More filler. When I go to the kitchen to make a sandwich, Julie cues up a montage devoted to the Great, Great Platonic Affair Between Hardly and Nicole, complete with this stupid Love Story-type music, like one of them is dying. When I come back, they're still talking about how much they love each other, how they're just like brother and sister! I don't know about you, but I generally don't give my siblings deep-tissue massages and lap dances. Maybe I'm missing out. Anyway, although Hardly and Nicole love each other, nobody else loves them. "Nicole runs this house, and if you don't do what she wants, she gets Hardly to evict you," Will says. But her power is dead now! Mwahahahahaha! Sorry. I don't know where that came from. Will further points out that if Hardly and Nicole "were such good friends, one of them would sacrifice themselves for the other, much like Shannon sacrificed herself for me." You know, that's not a bad point.

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Big Brother

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